regional theater: seattle's way of telling former new yorkers to go fuck themselves

The theater in Seattle sucks. Sucks so much that I'm convinced it's their way of saying, "Look, man, we didn't ask you to move here."

That, or, "If you don't want to see the traveling production of Hello Dolly again, that's your own damn problem."

I think they're just trying to get back at all the displaced New Yorkers who loudly complain about how lame Seattle is and then gorge themselves on the awesome produce.

Also, a memo to all playwrights who are trying to lure me to shitty, pseudo-feminist awakenings: I'm on to you.

My friend Victoria just sent me an ad for the newest musical being put on at the Seattle Repertory Theater. I cannot possibly do it justice, so here it is in all its fucked-up, unaltered glory:

Girl's Night: The Musical

"Calling All Women! (And You Know Who You Are!)

Call your gal pals and get your drink on! The smash hit Girls Night: The Musical is coming to The Moore!

Hilarious and touching, it follows five friends in their 30s and 40s during a wild and outrageous girl's night out at a karaoke bar. [...] Among the characters are Carol the 'party girl,' blunt Anita who tells it like it is, Liza and her 'issues,' boring Kate the designated driver and Sharon, the not-so-angelic angel who just can't resist tagging along."

Oh, and here's the terrifying plot description:

"Together, they reminisce about their younger days, celebrate their current lives and look to the future, all the while belting out 14 classic anthems, such as 'I Will Survive,' 'Lady Marmalade,' 'Man I Feel Like A Woman,' and 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' to name just a few!"

Personally, me and my 'gal pals' would rather have a near-death experience ice-fishing than watch a motley crew of cougars screech out second-wave feminist classics. Like most women, we're too busy falling all over ourselves giggling when we find the perfect brand of tampon. Those commercials are actually documentaries.

So I don't think I'm going make this show. But if I were to predict its plot, I think it would be the following:

Girl's Night: The Musical
(annotated guesswork by Eva Holman)

(Scene: ambiguously dated singles club. Liza, Carol and Anita sit at a table.)

Carol: C'mon, guys, let's dance! We still have a few good years in us left! (Pauses for cheers and applause.)

Anita: Years, Carol, or beers? (Pauses for cheers and applause.)

(Carol and Anita break into "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun")

Carol: Boy, Anita. You sure are blunt. It's a wonder that a free spirit such as myself has been friends with you all these years.

Anita: I just tell it like it is.

Liza: I wish you could tell me how it is. I've been having those horrible dreams again.

(Sharon and Kate enter)

Sharon: Hey, "y'all!" I couldn't resist tagging along! You know me. I'm "not exactly an angel." (Twirls around and casts a knowing wink at the audience. Pauses for cheers an applause.)

Kate: Don't overdo it, ladies. Women our age have certain standards of decorum.

Sharon: Everyone's always telling me not to 'overdo it.' Is it a crime that I'm a woman? A woman who makes 70 cents to the freakin' dollar?

(Musical break: Sharon belts out a rousing version of "Bitch.")

Kate: Interesting. Exactly what is it that you're getting at?

Sharon: I'm lots of different things, Kate. like all women. And like all women, I need some RESPECT.

Anita: What's that you say, Sharon?

Sharon: I said.....I need a little respect!

(Sharon leads crowd in a rousing version of "Respect", followed by Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman" and Celine Dion's "I'm Alive.")

Anita: Come again?

Sharon: I said I need respect. Are you fucking deaf?

(A man enters and approaches Carol)

Man: Hi, I'm Greg. What's your name?

Carol: It's Carol.

Man: Well, Carol, can I buy you a drink?

Carol: That all depends.

Man: Depends on what?

Carol: On this!

(Carol sings "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan, "Big Shit Poppin'" by T.I, and an A Capella version of Jewel's "Foolish Games")

Carol: So that's what I'm talking about.

Anita: I think we all caught your drift, Carol. (Pauses for cheers and applause.)

Sharon: Zing!

Anita: I just tell it like it is.

Carol: Well, it has been an eventful evening. I learned that women are just as good as men.

Kate: I learned that I need to spend less time at the office.

Sharon: I learned that I shouldn't be chasing my youth. I am a woman who is happy just the way she is.

Anita: And I learned that I'm a combination of Sex and the City's Miranda and Roberta from Now and Then.

(The girls sing "Ray of Light," "I Will Survive," "Can't Hold Us Down," "I Don't Need a Man," and the entire Ani Difranco Living in Clip album.)

Carol: Men. You can't live with them.....

Carol, Sharon, Kate, and Anita: Can't live without 'em!

Liza: I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed in the morning.

(Carol, Anita, Kate, and Sharon roll their eyes): Oh, Liza!

Fin