You know you love me .... so why won't you fucking accept me?!

Ever notice how television teens manage to stay in each other's lives for ever? Buffy did it. Sabrina did it. Hell, even the Boy Meets World gang managed to contrive a way to end up at that mysterious, never-before-mentioned local university. And don't even get me started on Mr. Feeney. I don't even want to know what strings he had to pull to follow Cory Matthews from grade school through the end of college.

Now if any of the "College years" versions of these shows were at all realistic, our cast would be known in their dorm as "that group of freaks who knew each other in high school and refuse to meet anyone else." But somehow, they always make that college transition work. I mean, until they get canceled.

We still don't yet know how Gossip Girl is going to keep each member of its cast on a tight New York City leash. I think there should be a Truman Show-inspired episode where Blair discovers that that car ride to Connecticut she took was actually just 80 minutes in front of a blue screen. But does anyone listen to me? No. No, they don't.

However -- Gossip Girl has a problem. One that's kind of unsolvable. The problem is: how is the show going to continue when Gossip Girl herself won't be able to get into college?

Seriously, guys -- we have to stop kidding ourselves. Even if Gossip Girl did manage to cram in some SAT prep between lurking around Serena and Blair's houses and rifling through their trash, no college would ever accept her. Here's the thing, folks: no Dean of Admissions is going to admit a freaking sociopath.

I'm not just saying this on a whim. With the help of some research and a little code, I devised an algorithm for how Gossip Girl's interview would go using entirely her own words. And people, the result isn't pretty. See for yourselves:

Gossip Girl's College Interview
(Note: be sure to read all of Gossip Girl's responses in her usual gratuitously coy and sassy way.)

Thanks for interviewing. We like to take the opportunity to get to know our applicants!
What was it we say about appearances? Oh yes, they can be deceiving. But most of the time, what you see is what you get.

Haha. Tell me about growing up in Manhattan.
On the Upper East Side, it's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears. Refined, elegant, imposing... But sometimes, all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.

Right...so you're just finishing up high school?
Most endings come when you least expect them. And what they portend is darker than you've ever imagined.

I see you went to St. Jude's. Did you like going there?
This just in: St. Jude's has a new policy. An eye for a lie.

Does your high school record accurately reflect your effort and ability?
There's a weak link in every chain. And it's just a matter of time before this one snaps.

If you could do one thing in high school differently, what would it be?
Talk about doing the nasty ... or should I say, being nasty.

Oh........kay. Let's talk about extra-curriculars. What do you do for fun in your free time?
Who doesn't love a five finger discount? Especially if one of those fingers is the middle one...

(Long pause) What other schools are you looking at?
You can keep your magic flute, Amadeus. All this queen wants is a golden ticket to Yale.

I see you've taken the SATs a few times.
Maybe third time's a charm. But let's not break out the bubbly just yet.

Bubbly?
Nothing says welcome home like a bottle of bubbly... or a scandal bubbling.

Right....I just have a few more questions to get through. Who in your life has most influenced you?
More towers than Trump, more bucks than Bloomberg. Bart Bass definitely made his mark on Manhattan.

And your favorite book?
Before Gossip Girl, there was Edith Wharton, and how little has changed. The same Society snobs still reigned, only in corsets and horse-drawn carriages.

What do you think you're going to major in?
That's one secret I'll never tell.

What will you contribute to our campus community?
So glad you asked. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one "it" girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.

Isn't that kind of mean?
Look's like Daddy's girl isn't made of sugar and spice and everything nice after all.

That's ... really not even appropriate.
Looks like this little lamb needs to stay silent or else.

I'm going to wrap this up. What final questions do you have about our college?
What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars and Bart cold in the ground?

I mean, do you have any questions about scholarship or financial aid?
Poor little orphan Jenny, looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks, but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees. At least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.

Thanks for your time, but I'm not quite sure you're a good fit for our school.
Ain't karma a bitch? We know Blair Waldorf is.