A whiter shade of Palin

Man, she's weird.

How weird, you ask?

Let's just say that if Mildred Benson wrote a paperback mystery based on Sarah Palin, it would be called "Nancy Drew and the Secret of Why the Fuck Sarah Palin Resigned Without Thinking about the Consequences of her Actions. Like, At All."

Let me set the scene for you.  It's July 3rd.  A be-spectacled, long-haired Governoress takes out her TI-83 graphing calculator and ponders.  "Let's see.....Friday evening + year's biggest holiday weekend + the death of Michael Jackson ..... carry the one...Eureka! The perfect time to resign!"  Basically the political equivalent to donning a cloak of invisibility.

I've always said that if you want to covertly pass gas, do it during an exceptionally loud fire alarm or near a crying baby.  Translation: if you want to leave political office in a cloud of suspicion, do it right after the untimely death of the most famous pop icon of all time.  It's the smart thing to do. As opposed to the dumb thing to do, which is to die on the same day. (Sorry, Farrah. You deserved more than a half-day of coverage.)

Yes, Palin was definitely trying to 'slip in under the radar.'  And mute the inevitable drop in political power one experiences when one combines the longest "point guard" metaphor in history with the highest number of sharp, loud intakes of breath recorded at any single press conference.  

In short, Sarah Palin continues to be a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in Naughty Monkey stiletto pumps.   

This time, however, her mystique is her downfall, because she's giving bitchy, irresponsible political bloggers such as myself leave to fill in the blanks ourselves.  (Shit-eating grin)  

I would like to put forth the theory that Palin is actually a high-functioning robo-chick who recently parted ways with her creator and now is only capable of saying "Danger! Danger! My limbs are flailing wildly!" a la the robot from Lost in Space.

But that's just me. In the interest of the public trust, I will entertain some other theories as per Ms. Palin's white-dwarf-esque rise to glory and subsequent demise:

Theories re: Palin's resignation: 

Theory: "Hi! I'm a Republican 2012 frontrunner and am having an affair!"

Summary: Palin has a sexually free Argentinean lover who calls her "Sarrita" and is the only one who truly understands her.  I could see her getting lost on the Appalachian Trail, but I don't think she'd let any natively-born South American near her without a cavity search and some potent derivation of Lysol.  

Odds: 50: 1.  

Theory: Huge Pending Scandal.

Summary: Palin can no longer keep a career-derailing scandal secret from the public.  It could be anything from completely fucking over her state financially to having a lunkhead teenaged son-in-law....oh, wait.

Odds: 20:1.  

Theory: Palin "wants to affect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities ... for Alaskans and for Americans."

Summary: N/A

Odds: 7 billion:1

Theory: At the end of the day, she just hates Tina Fey that much.  

Summary:  Not only is she upending Tina Fey's plans to humiliate Sarah Palin by quoting her truthfully and accurately, but she's doing it during Saturday Night Live's summer hiatus.  Now that's a big "fuck you."

Odds: 1:1

But enough with the unethical blogger-musings. I'll leave you with more of Palin's immortal words:

"I choose to BUILD up and FIGHT for our state and our country. I choose to FIGHT for it! And I'll work hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and LIFE... I'll work for and campaign for those PROUD to be American, and those who are INSPIRED by our ideals and won't deride them."

Now let's all sit back and watch whatever Will Smith movie premiered last weekend.