Waiting for Godossip Girl

Something very important happened on Monday.  It took place in New York City, it involved the most powerful man in the world, and it referenced an important financial crisis which affected you personally.  That's right -- the premiere of Gossip Girl. I was lying about the financial crisis part.

For those of you who don't watch Gossip Girl, let me catch you up a bit.  The cast graduated about four minutes into the season 2 finale, bringing their time spent in school up to a grand total of 11 minutes.
Little J continued her downward spiral into an Olsen Twin-esque crack whore.  Meanwhile, the writers learned the hard way that throwing together a bunch of factually incorrect, boring details about Lily Bart's past does not make for a compelling spin-off.

And then there's the token non-blue collar blue collar girl, Vanessa, pretending that she "almost didn't even apply to college!" Yeah. Because she didn't have time between wry references to Sartre.

Really, it was just the usual Gossip Girl melodrama, hyper-sexual mixed metaphors and side boobs.  Translation: it was amazing.  

I really did like the premiere.  Though I've been much more forgiving of the show ever since I happened to be in New York during Fashion Week and can now confirm that Gossip Girl depicts the lives of rich New York teenagers with documentary-esque accuracy.

But what's enjoyment without a ruthlessly scientific method for determining your level of enjoyment?

Pluses

That little thrill you get during "Previously on Gossip Girl...." when you realize that the nineteen complex story arcs involving murder, torrid affairs and secret adopted children and are all going to be somehow relevant to the next 43 minutes.  Plus 3

It's kind of awkward that Ed Westwick is literally the only good actor on the show. But I do love the red suspenders.  Plus 5

That Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid-esque role play Chuck and Blaire do.  Plus 4

 "I know what you did this summer ... and who."  This and other remarks you could never pull off in real life are brought to you by Gossip Girl!  Plus 30

Minuses

That terrifying moment when we realized that Taylor Momson had finally reached her full height of 7'9. minus 10

Guys, I know it's hard to contrive ways for the main cast to only hang out with one another forever, but no mention of the elephant in the room, the fact that they're all starting college, like, tomorrow? Not one mention of books, professors, Trust Walks? minus 1

Ten minutes in and no Serena side boob.  minus 5

I'm sorry, but I will not passively accept that Serena makes more clever Jane Austen allusions than I do.  minus 8

Note to Josh Schwartz: Park Slope is not Chino.  If you're going to try to take on class issues, don't do it with two privileged, high-brow NYU students.  minus 2

Matthew Settle.  minus a kajillion

Also, I'm starting a new section which I like to call to Lines that are Clearly Just Clunky Exposition.  Basically, the Gossip Girl equivalent of those old-fashioned movies when they'd bookend each scene with spinning newspapers blaring key plot points.  For example:

Jenny: "Isn't Serena still at that retreat in Europe? I guess we wouldn't know, because she's taken that vow of silence."
Translation: "Something tells me there's more to this story!"

Vanessa: "Dan, you know Scott Ronson?  You met him for, like, five minutes last year, remember?"  
Translation:  "He's the guy you met during the season finale who said cryptic, seemingly significant things into his cell phone as the camera dramatically panned in on his face and you saw that maybe -- just maybe -- he was your secret half-brother."

Nate: "Hey, can I get your name?  Well, at least I know that we're both going to Columbia University!"
Translation: "Welcome to the cast!"

Adding up all the points, dividing it by the number of times Taylor Momson swallows her words, and running them through a special computer program which allows for the infamous Matthew Settle handicap, I declare Gossip Girl a success!