it's official: the american dream is over

As many of you know, I've been busy for awhile with "various projects" -- not in the uni-bomber sense as much as the obsessive writer sense.

At first, I thought it was worth the trouble because I put no value in food or people.  But last week I was horrified and dismayed to learn that after all my hard work, after all the dues I've paid, I'm never going to get my Oprah meltdown.  The Oprah meltdown I slaved for my whole life and you know I deserve.

We humans work hard for two reasons: to impress our overachieving former classmates and to compensate for being ugly.  But we also work hard because we are forward-looking creatures.  It's what separates us from the animals, and by animals I of course mean The View.  

Maybe I knew on some level that is was too late for me, that life had dealt me an unfair hand.  But I truly believed that if I worked two jobs and put all my money toward the education of my children, they would be able to go on Oprah's show and have a meltdown.  Or at least jump on top of her couch in the name of a sham marriage.

I guess what they say is true: Sometimes, Oprah retires. But take comfort in knowing that despite the Dream being over, this is still America, and you can still have a meltdown -- just not on Oprah.  It won't actually count, but I guess it will have to do.