'17 again' is not something to see 'again' (or something more clever)

Sorry, guys. It's been many a year since I wrote narcissistic, gratuitously cruel film reviews in my college's newspaper. I had it down then. ("'Happy' Gilmore? More like '"Sucky' Gilmore!")

Actually, I truly love that movie and would never refer to it as 'Sucky' Gilmore. I would call it "'Crappy' Gilmore!" Shhha-wiiiiiiiing! Ohhhh, yeah. She fakes left. She fakes right. She scores!

Basically, this is a really long-winded way of saying that Seventeen Again sucked.  Alot.

To demonstrate this, I'm going to borrow New York Magazine's plus/minus system for grading episodes of Gossip Girl.

Pluses

• Story opens during a high school basketball game and the cheerleaders are dancing to some awesome old school rap song. Plus 3
• Zac Efron suddenly jumps in and starts dancing with them, which doesn't really make sense in a non-High School Musical film. But it's awesome anyway. Plus 5.
  
• Matthew Perry looking beaten down by life. Plus 5.
• Margaret Cho as the sex ed teacher! Awesome. Plus 3. 
  
• That girl from Buffy and Gossip Girl who always seems kind of evil but totally rocks. Plus 6.  

Minuses

• Another film, another muse/spirit guide who likes to work as a janitor. Minus 6.
• Okay...so they keep in all 11 minutes of a really unfunny fight scene between Mike and Ned but have no "before and after" fashion montages???? No Zac Efron trying to figure out what young people wear in 2009? No twirling in front of the department store mirror to Fergie's "Glamorous?" Minus 13. This is completely unforgivable.
• Irreconciable selective logic. So....Mike's son needs to "tap" the head cheerleader....but Mike's daughter is morally bankrupt for tappin' some basketball player ass. Minus 9.
• "How are you going to expect your boyfriends to respect you if you can't respect yourself?  This paternalistic moment and others are brought to you by Seventeen Again. Minus 7.
• The Lord of the Rings sub-plot was cute for exactly four seconds.  Minus 5.
• I am extremely uncomfortable with this whole "I love that cute new boy at school! And I don't know he's my Dad!" subplot. Minus 10.  

And that adds up to......Seventeen Again being kind of lame. Yeah.

Ummm.....yeah. She's not Jewish.

Okay, no. No, no, no. You can't just slap furry boots on some Aryan princess and call it a day. This is not Jewish. It's more like Dakota Fanning went from Yellow 4 to Yellow 2.

Meet Rebecca Rubin, a 1914 Russian-Jewish immigrant from the Lower East Side. I just read an article in the Times about her, and I gotta tell you, it just warmed my heart:

"The goal is that no one be offended and that Jewish and non-Jewish little girls alike will want to play tenement house with their new toy, which costs $95 — plus more for accessories like a sideboard with a challah resting on it."

I should remind you that Rebecca Rubin is from a company whose only African-American Girl is a "slave doll" with mysteriously relaxed hair (they explore this more on the discussion forum of Nappturality).

Granted, I appreciate that they didn't go all Rhoda on her and make some bawling Jewish sidekick. Though a part of me does think it would be funny if she just followed Samantha around asking to be set up with one of her doctor friends.

And I do have a dislike of well-worn TV formulas, including but not limited to:

1. Lone African-American Clique Member Who Never Says Anything. The directors always find that she's happiest when posing with her three white BFF for graduation photos.

2. The nerd who gets wa-a-ay too much play. This is actually a real-life example, but I'm going to include it anyway because it really pisses me off.

3. Fake-Ugly Ugly Girl: Self-explanatory. Just put Rachel Leigh Cook in a half-ponytail and pain-splattered coveralls and you're golden.

and finally:

4. Any Julia Stiles movie. Hi! I'm a bad-ass! I'm wearing a wifebeater and culottes and I'm never gonna give into a man! My face is baby-round!

Still, though. If they think for one second they are going to pull me away from my Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself or my Friends (Monica and Ross are half-Jewish, so they count as one) than they have another think coming.

I have an idea -- why don't we do a Do the Right Thing remake starring Taye Diggs!

xoxo, Gossip Material Girl

So there's a lot going on in the news right now. So if you don't mind, I'm just going to kinda go through all with no attempt whatsoever to make it all hang together. Okay? Okay.

What happened this week? If you're like me, you started it with a healthy dose of innane 80s flashbacks, i.e. Josh Schwartz's attempt at a Gossip Girl spinoff. I gotta hand it to Kelly Rutherford (who plays Lily Bass). Considering that her stage directions were probably along the lines of "look off into the distance and try to look like you're remembering the 80s, okay?" she did a pretty good job.

Young Lily is played by Brittany Snow. The only remarkable things about her is that she expresses emotion via the coveted "on the verge of tears at all times" acting method, and that she looks nothing like Lily, or should I say, Future Lily.

Oh, and No Doubt had a cameo in the episode. Which is kind of fucked up considering that it's supposed to take place in the eighties.

I will say this, though. If you like Josh Schwartz's coveted "aren't we young and fabulous?" montage scenes, you will definitely like Un-named 80s Gossip Girl Spin-off.

Next: Carrie Prejean ruling. Apparently, the pageant Exec Director (Shana Moakler) resigned after Donald Trump decided that Carrie Prejean could keep her crown. According to NJ.com, Moakler "no longer believes in the Miss Universe organization and cannot support or promote it."

That's admirable and all, but let's think about this for a moment. Donald Trump made his decision after "carefully reviewing" erotic pictures of Carrie Prejean. Can someone explain to me how giving Donald Trump wood will ever result in him ruling against a half-naked twenty-year-old? This is Donald Trump, people. The same Donald Trump who undressed Brande Roderick with his eyes during every episode of the Celebrity Apprentice.

Finally, I would just like to say that while I had the most traumatic graduation experience ever, at least my college didn't have low-flying airplanes circling the campus displaying large-print photos of aborted fetuses. Hang in there, Notre Dame.

Can we tawwwk? Celebrity Apprentice Finale

Remember that moment that defined our generation? When good won out over evil? When we celebrated a new world order of goodness and integrity? In Seattle, we took to the streets, shouting and celebrating literally the whole night through. I'll never forget that night.

I mean, since it was last night and all.

Okay, so maybe it was "only me." And maybe the only people who cared were TMZ and a motley crew of celebrity twitterers. But in this household, it was like Obama had won again.

Joan Rivers beat Annie Duke. As in The Shit Out of Her. And it totally rocked.

And you know what, people? It felt good to for once pick a winner. When it comes to reality TV, my guessing game is way off. The people I root for always end up losing. On Top Chef, Carla lost to Hosea. On A Shot at Love, Dani lost out to Bobby (well, to be fair, they both lost out because after the show Tila refused to see or talk to him and then told the world he dumped her.) And then there was that Asian chick who beat Santino on Project Runway. Whatever happened to her?

But if that was my penance, if those were my dues to pay so I could see Joan Rivers win Celebrity Apprentice on live TV in front of Donald Trump, the world and her fucking annoying daughter Melissa, than it was beyond worth it.

So are you ready for three hours of live-blogging? Good, because I was so nail-bitingly riveted that I totally lost track of my notes.

Celebrity Apprentice season finale liveblog:

1:06: As expected, the insatiably turned on narratror sets up a good: evil dichotomy. I.e. Beloved legendary comedienne who actually gives a shit: ruthless professional poker player. He is stoking my self-righteous pro-Joan anger. And I love it.

5:43: Donald Trump is .... emerging from smoke? Is he also a fan of Gob from Arrested Development? Weird -- not Elle-Woods-walking-into-a-bright-white-light-at-the-end-of-Legally Blonde weird, but weird nonetheless.

6:31: Eva oficially does not understand what the fuck is going on. Is this live? It says live, but it also said it's taped from an earlier live broadcast.

7:13: But Donald Trump just said "Happy Mother's Day." So now I'm really lost.

8:11: So Donald Trump is sitting in a majestic fake board room and the audience is hooting and hollering. Think Jerry Springer meets Masterpiece Theatre meets those weird fake Roman pillers Obama used to use during press conferences.

9:53: Okay, good vs. evil. Check.

10:38: Scratch that. Joan Rivers is Mrs. Brady, Glenda the Good Witch and the Obama children all rolled into one caring celebrity. I concur!

11:37: Ugh. So they're showing the final task now. But they're also splicing in the live reactions of the crowd, in all its cheering, laughing, oohing, ahhing glory. What is this, fucking Cheers?

12:43: The Celebrity Apprentice is filmed in front of a live studio audience!

13:11: Annie Duke: "Have you met my friends, Joan? Have you met my friends?"

13:56: So Joan and Annie have some charged exchange of words where Joan says that she, like, "only deals with her equals," and Annie was like, "Well, I guess since I'm above that that would make sense!" but Joan walks off and doesn't hear her..............Zing?

16:31: I love how Donald Trump clearly feels like a huge tool when doing the whole contrived-"surprise"-return-of-previous-contestants. His lips say, "I thought you might need some extra help ... Guys, come on in!" but his eyes say, "No amount of money is worth this demeaning moment."

17:50: Hey-o Den-nis!

19:43: What do the contestants have in common? They weren't chosen for ability. They weren't chosen for success in the competition. Could it be that they were chosen for.....drama potential? Nah, that can't be it.

21:19: Time for another episode of "Stupid or Paid?" Annie Duke puts Dennis Rodman and Tom Green on her team. Stupid or paid? Probably fucking stupid.

23:21: Annie duke is *so* one of those people who thinks they're manipulating people but actually just have creepily sharp, jagged teeth and mean, hard eyes.

24:26: I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that Circle de Soleil and Kodak are sponsors.

26:46: Kodak explains their platform: "It's about moments, its about memory, it's about families." No fucking shit.

27:54: I hope that Jesse James' not being there doesn't mean that he's on the set of some Ya-ya Sisterhood sequel.

29:41: Dennis Rodman brings in the first money! $20,000 cash. Annie Duke caresses it lovingly. Due to the fact that she doesn't know real love.

31:56: As per usual, Tom Green is high on crack.

32:08: It's always interesting to see what 10-second slice of New York City the producers slice in to represent the passage of time. This time it's a dog, a female boxer and someone playing the saxophone.

34:05: Annie's venom starts to creep out her teammates:

Annie: (savagely, referring to Joan) I want to humiliate her.
Teammates: (nervously exchanging glances in a dawning realization that Annie is evil to the depths of her core, then deciding that the only choice they have is to treat the comment like a joke) Uh......heh heh heh.

35:28: Joan rallying her friends: "I need help. It's a competition between me and a girl who is the biggest piece of %#@ in the whole world." Now that's how you do insults!

37:01: Clint Black is supposed to be hitting up his friends for money, but is instead explaining Celebrity Apprentice via an extended Gilligan's Island metaphor.

38:32: Still at the metaphor. No money, though.

39:51: Epiphany: Other celebrity contestants really don't give a fuck what happens and are resentful that being present for the finale was in their contract.

40:27: Joan and Annie each get an event planner. For Joan, think Sanford from Sex and the City. For Annie, think Jennifer Hudson.

42:15: Tom Green is purposefully mindfucking Annie, saying things such as, "Oh, Joan is just kidding around about Hitler," and "She hasn't just lasted in the business. She's a legend," and "Seems like Joan reeeeaaaaallly got under your skin. Yup. Realllllly got under your skin."

47:54: Annie just picked up her phone and said "hello?" and it's Dennis and he's standing right behind her! And then Dennis and Tom Greene start laughing and walk away.

49:11: So cute! Dennis: "Tom Greene is like the class clown in the group....and I'm his sidekick!"

52:36: Also: "The way I see it, Annie can't do anything to us....I mean, we were already fired."

55:49: Too much red. Joan asks the designer if he can just "get something that doesn't make us feel like we're sitting in Hell."

1:02:33: Donald Trump shouts into the camera about how Joan and Annie could not possibly have been prepared for the following curveball.

1:06:28: Ooh! Ooh! Both their designers quit. TWIST.

1:11:08: fast-moving clouds and puffs of smoke represent the passage of time.

1:13:33: Frightening true colors alert!

Annie: I am going to crush her like nothing before you've ever seen.
Annie: You guys need to understand how hard this woman has to go down tomorrow.

1:31:44: Joan Rivers: "I am the Jewish Martha Stewart. Martha Rosenstewart." I would have said "Martha Stewartowitz."

1:42:29: The slightly fast-forwarded smoke implies the passage of time.

1:45:50: Annie Duke yells at Tom Greene for screwing up the photo montage of her so-called charity: "There were, like, starving kids on there!" Aaaaaaand Annie is officially above nothing.

1:47:02: "If Clint Black went to a bar, he'd pick up himself!"

1:53:43: The clowns from Circe de Soleil show up at the silent auction. One of them runs up to Hershel and humps him. It sort of seems like a clown bit, but no one's really sure.

1:56:07: Another compare/contrast moment:

Joan: (crying happy tears) "It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Win or lose, I won."
Annie: (leading her team in an unsuccessful round of "Go, Annie!") Go, Annie! Go, Annie!"

2:09: Can't type. Way too riveted but that is one intense final boardroom. Just YouTube it.

2:37:06: Montage of Joan talking about her charity, God's Love. SO poignant.

2:41:38: Montage of Annie talking about her charity.

2:42:21: Annie (talking to refugee): "As the mother of 4 children, I cannot imagine what you've been through." Translation: "how's my hair?"

2:42:55: Hear that? That's the sound of 20 million viewers rolling their eyes.

2:44:20: Trace Adkins talks passionately about his cause, which is the "food allergy situation." And that's why you were runner-up.

2:47: 12: Ha!

Annie: She compared me to Hitler!
Joan: You're different than Hitler. Hitler had PMS."

2:52:48: Everybody loves Joan more. The audience loves Joan more. The other contestants love Joan more. Even Jesus loves Joan more.

2:54:32: HA. Joan wins. SO good. SO right. SO poignant. I love you, Joan!

Johanna Justin-Jinich, 1988-2009

Some facts about stalking:

-1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the U.S.
-83% of stalker victims are women.
-Only 21 percent of stalkers identified by female victims were strangers.
-87% of stalkers are men.

Also, "only 9 percent of victims said their stalking ceased because their stalker was arrested, 1 percent said their stalking stopped because their stalker was convicted of a crime, and less than 1 percent said the stalking stopped because they obtained a restraining order against their stalker. The fact that so few victims credited formal justice system interventions is not surprising given the paucity of arrests, criminal prosecutions, and restraining orders in stalking cases."

In 2007, when she was only 19, Johanna notified NYU that she "had received repeated harassing e-mail messages and phone calls from Mr. Morgan. The school notified the police, and officers spoke with her. The case was referred to detectives."

The police spoke to her, but no follow-ups were ever made. This was after Mr. Morgan had made over 38 threatening emails and phone calls to Johanna.

Johanna was a dancer and an honors student at Wesleyan, and was passionate about women's health issues. She had already lined up an internship at a non-profit in DC.

Johanna and her murderer both took a summer class at NYU. The class? "Sexual Diversity in Society."

If you are a woman, you have a 1 in 12 chance of being stalked in your lifetime. This goes far beyond one school shooting.

Another day, another netflix muscal

Today, the immortal Feminazi trio of Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton are going to kill their boss again. But this time, they're going to do a pada baret around his lifeless body while forty people cancan manically in the distance. Just like in the film version, right?

So 9 to 5 the musical is officially in previews. I usually hate broadway adaptations of movies. In fact, I basically hate every musical that came out after Rent. Here are a few quick reasons why:

1. No catchy tunes. I cannot remember a single song from Hairspray that I would find myself humming in the shower. Same with all the other ones. They all suck.

2. Star fest, aisle one? I'm sorry, but just because you have Melenie Griffith in your production of Chicago, it doesn't mean it's going to be good. Why? Because she freaking sucks as a theater actress. Please, I beg you, stop with the big names and give us some quality acting and singing.

3. Adaptations. What the hell? Legally Blonde was literally the worst musical EVER. And now there's Sleepless in Seattle and Shrek? Seriously. Gag me with Reese Witherspoon.

4. Band musicals. Billy Joel and the Seasons had great songs, but you know what? Maybe you should be coming up with your own songs instead of just transcribing whatever album was in your discman circa 1991. These people *earned* their respect by *creating* something. I'm not going to spend $100 listening to something I already have in my iTunes library.

So as you can see, when it comes to soulless adaptations of the films I most cherish, I hate them with every bone in my Eva body. But in the case of 9 to 5, I just can't. Why, you ask? Because of three little words: Bellevue. Youth. Theater.

That's right. Eva used to be in plays with Megan Hilty, who is now one of the stars of 9 to 5! A Broadway star. Gee, whiz, golly, mister! Do ya think you'll ever make it to the talkies?

So now you're thinking, "Eva, are you going to get free tickets? And do you need a guest?" Well, it doesn't actually work that way. You see, I know Megan Hilty, but she .... uh, knows of me. Maybe.

We were both ultra-talented. It's just that her roles tended to have "lines" and "a name" more than mine did. Not because she was better or anything. It's more like we chose different paths, y'know? Like in The King and I, she chose Tup-Tim, and I chose the more subtle route of being one of the King's numerous sons and daughters who are so slathered up in makeup and black wigs that even their own parents can't recognize them. In Oliver!, it was determined that she would be a good Nancy, while I brought a little extra something to being one of the little orphan boys who dances with a wooden gruel bowl in the first scene and is never seen again.

Either one of us could have made it to Broadway. I just decided that call-back auditions weren't really my scene.

In all seriousness, Megan Hilty was several years ahead of me in the Bellevue Youth Theater program, she was really talented, and I decided after a few years of "fun but no lines" that I would have more luck pursuing my second love, defensive joke-telling.

It's cool that she made it. I still remember that night my mom and I were having an Ugly Betty Marathon and I said, "Shut. Up!" And she was like, "I didn't say anything." (Kidding -- I just totally ripped that off from Mean Girls.)

No, what really happened was that in that particular episode, Betty was watching Wicked, and who did I see but Megan Hilty? I was all, "Omigod -- I totally went to a cast party at Round Table Pizza with that girl!" It was awesome.

So that is why 9 to 5 has a "get out of jail free" card with me. That, and Allison Janney.

You know you love me .... so why won't you fucking accept me?!

Ever notice how television teens manage to stay in each other's lives for ever? Buffy did it. Sabrina did it. Hell, even the Boy Meets World gang managed to contrive a way to end up at that mysterious, never-before-mentioned local university. And don't even get me started on Mr. Feeney. I don't even want to know what strings he had to pull to follow Cory Matthews from grade school through the end of college.

Now if any of the "College years" versions of these shows were at all realistic, our cast would be known in their dorm as "that group of freaks who knew each other in high school and refuse to meet anyone else." But somehow, they always make that college transition work. I mean, until they get canceled.

We still don't yet know how Gossip Girl is going to keep each member of its cast on a tight New York City leash. I think there should be a Truman Show-inspired episode where Blair discovers that that car ride to Connecticut she took was actually just 80 minutes in front of a blue screen. But does anyone listen to me? No. No, they don't.

However -- Gossip Girl has a problem. One that's kind of unsolvable. The problem is: how is the show going to continue when Gossip Girl herself won't be able to get into college?

Seriously, guys -- we have to stop kidding ourselves. Even if Gossip Girl did manage to cram in some SAT prep between lurking around Serena and Blair's houses and rifling through their trash, no college would ever accept her. Here's the thing, folks: no Dean of Admissions is going to admit a freaking sociopath.

I'm not just saying this on a whim. With the help of some research and a little code, I devised an algorithm for how Gossip Girl's interview would go using entirely her own words. And people, the result isn't pretty. See for yourselves:

Gossip Girl's College Interview
(Note: be sure to read all of Gossip Girl's responses in her usual gratuitously coy and sassy way.)

Thanks for interviewing. We like to take the opportunity to get to know our applicants!
What was it we say about appearances? Oh yes, they can be deceiving. But most of the time, what you see is what you get.

Haha. Tell me about growing up in Manhattan.
On the Upper East Side, it's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears. Refined, elegant, imposing... But sometimes, all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.

Right...so you're just finishing up high school?
Most endings come when you least expect them. And what they portend is darker than you've ever imagined.

I see you went to St. Jude's. Did you like going there?
This just in: St. Jude's has a new policy. An eye for a lie.

Does your high school record accurately reflect your effort and ability?
There's a weak link in every chain. And it's just a matter of time before this one snaps.

If you could do one thing in high school differently, what would it be?
Talk about doing the nasty ... or should I say, being nasty.

Oh........kay. Let's talk about extra-curriculars. What do you do for fun in your free time?
Who doesn't love a five finger discount? Especially if one of those fingers is the middle one...

(Long pause) What other schools are you looking at?
You can keep your magic flute, Amadeus. All this queen wants is a golden ticket to Yale.

I see you've taken the SATs a few times.
Maybe third time's a charm. But let's not break out the bubbly just yet.

Bubbly?
Nothing says welcome home like a bottle of bubbly... or a scandal bubbling.

Right....I just have a few more questions to get through. Who in your life has most influenced you?
More towers than Trump, more bucks than Bloomberg. Bart Bass definitely made his mark on Manhattan.

And your favorite book?
Before Gossip Girl, there was Edith Wharton, and how little has changed. The same Society snobs still reigned, only in corsets and horse-drawn carriages.

What do you think you're going to major in?
That's one secret I'll never tell.

What will you contribute to our campus community?
So glad you asked. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one "it" girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.

Isn't that kind of mean?
Look's like Daddy's girl isn't made of sugar and spice and everything nice after all.

That's ... really not even appropriate.
Looks like this little lamb needs to stay silent or else.

I'm going to wrap this up. What final questions do you have about our college?
What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars and Bart cold in the ground?

I mean, do you have any questions about scholarship or financial aid?
Poor little orphan Jenny, looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks, but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees. At least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.

Thanks for your time, but I'm not quite sure you're a good fit for our school.
Ain't karma a bitch? We know Blair Waldorf is.

Celebrity Apprentice FINAL FOUR live blog!

Wow. The two people who absolutely loath each other made it to the Final Two on Celebrity Apprentice. For the record, I'm shocked. Just like I was when Ross and Rachel got together on the series finale of Friends. And when the Obama girls stole the heart of every man, woman and child on the planet.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care that this pairing was the carefully orchestrated brainchild of some producer. Because dammit, it is going to be really good TV. And I intend to sit there for the entire three hours with wide eyes and an ever-so-slightly open mouth. Staring. Always staring.

Anyway, here's a live-blog of the intensity that was last night's episode.

0:24: Recap. Last we saw, Melissa stormed out in rampage so humiliating, so histrionic, that any producer watching it undoubtedly starting touching himself and thinking about his Emmy. Did Mama Bear go with her? We don't know yet!

2:32: Clint finally gets his humanizing 2-3 minutes with the plinky music.

4:51: Brande, Clint, Annie and Jesse line up for this week's task. But where's Joan? Omigod. She might actually not be returning. What does that mean? What does that say? The four remaining contestants squeeze in a personal diary to that effect.

5:33: Oh, wait -- there she is. Sometimes the Celebrity Apprentice is like the world's most boring game of Clue.

5:33: Apparently, Joan wasn't there at first because her "cab was late." Translation: cab was instructed to circle the block for the purpose of building dramatic tension.

6:43: Enough with the brand hocking, Donald! We all know you wouldn't be caught dead eating Chicken of the Sea canned tuna.

7:11: The task is to write a jingle and 30-second radio commercial for Chicken of the Sea.

8:01: As usual, the two male executives dress exactly alike and have palpable sexual tension.

9:52: So it's Brande and Annie against Joan, Jesse, and Clint Black, the award-winning behemoth country singer. Crap.

10:24: Brande misspells "crap" and dissolves into giggles. This is going to be fun!

11:43: I'm just going to say right now that Clint Black is being set up for the classic Emperor-is-wearing-no-clothes episode arc. Not good. Not good at all.

12:56: Annie is really scared of going up against Clint. Actually, I think she's 50% scared and 50% foaming at the mouth ready to throw Brande under the bus if their team loses.

14:42: Extended beauty shots of "Chicken of the Sea." Time to use the can.

15:32: Back from the can and I didn't miss anything. Thank you, shameless product placement!

17:11: Breaking news: Annie is fucking tone-deaf.

18:42: I love you, Joan, but ending the commercial with "cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck....Splash!" isn't funny. Clint says no.

22:32: Shit. The wheels in Annie's pure-evil, Voldemort-esque brain are turning. This bitch can do anything.

24:54: Annie: "I wrote a song today!"

27:43: Joan: "cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck....Splash!" Clint says no.

29:54: With Joan Rivers, nothing is off the table. Even Helen Keller jokes.

32:22: This is a really scary Annie montage:

Annie: (eyes brimming with fake tears): It was just so....hard to have so many self-doubts. (blinks. Brushes away a non-existent tear.)

Cut to Annie's eyes hardening. Is it just me, or did her teeth just grow sharper?

Annie: I've never written a lyric. I've never written a tune.

Translation: Annie's ruthless domination will be made all the more sweeter if she breaks Clint's heart in two.

37:05: Donald Trump makes a few not-so-casual references to how much he loves Chicken of the Sea Tuna. Yeah. He wouldn't feed it to his dog.

40:22: Brande and Annie won?! A classic underdog-gets-it story? No way.

44:03: Clint is fired .... but wait! There's more! Two more people are getting fired tonight!!

53:27: Get over it, Annie. Joan called you a Nazi because you ARE a Nazi.

57:32: I love it. Joan Rivers: "Annie spells 'TEAM' T-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-(whispers)-e-a-m." I would totally hate to be on her bad side.

1:03:05: Oh, great. That annoying British Celebrity Apprentice that no one actually gives a shit about is back.

1:10:42: This is weird. They're doing this thing where Donald Trump and the British guy are talking and then they're splicing in "flashback" footage of his conversations with each of the contestants. What is this, Lost?

1:18:14: I know you're Cucumber as in Cool as A, Jesse, but they just want to know if you would bring Sandra Bolluck to the Series Finale. Yes or fucking no?

1:27:02: It's really creepy how Donald Trump's voice drops to a slow caress when he says Brande's name. And that he calls her "Beautiful Brande."

1:32:50: Sad but true, Brande. You're too stupid. Bye!

1:41:43: Jesse, you are NOT BLUE COLLAR. You're married to fucking Sandra Bolluck.

1:44:55: Jesse, yes or no? Are you going to pump your wife's rich friends for money? Are you going to help NBC have a star-studded series finale? Yes or no? Don't you understand that if your wife is the star of Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, it's not okay to just leave her out of this?

1:51:04: Well, Jesse, your pride is your undoing. If you want to win on your own, don't marry the woman who starred in Speed 2. Okay?

1:54:16: And it's down to Annie Duke and Joan Rivers: The evil genius who wins for the sake of crushing other people like bugs in the palm of her hand, and the energetic, aging comedienne who actually wants to raise money for her charity.

Who will win? We'll find that out in only one week and 180 minutes!