my driver's test: a play in five acts

Part I
Eva sits in the parking lot of the DMV in her mother's Volvo waiting for her test to start.  A DMV tester approaches her window.

DMV tester: Permit and insurance?

Eva hands him her permit and insurance card.

DMV tester: You're driving a Volvo for your test?
Eva:  Yes, sir!
DMV tester:  This card is for a Chevy Impala.

Part II
Half hour later.  Eva sits in the parking lot of the DMV in her mother's Volvo waiting for her test to start.  A second DMV tester approaches the window.  

DMV tester #2: Permit and insurance?

Eva hands her her permit and correct insurance card. 

DMV tester: Happy birthday.
Eva:  Thanks! I'm taking the birthday license test. Just nine years later then all my friends! So I guess I won't be using my car to "drive to prom," ha ha ha.....

DMV tester #2 glares at her. 

Part III
Eva suddenly floors the gas pedal while backing around a corner and slams on the breaks.

Eva:  Whoops!

Part IV
Eva drives around a residential neighborhood at 7 mph, nervously muttering to herself.

DMV tester #2:  Drive the car straight up the hill.

 Eva turns on her right signal.

DMV tester #2: Up the hill.

 Eva checks her blind spot and prepares to make a right turn.

DMV tester #2:  (enunciating slowly) Continue ... up .... the hill.
Eva:  Ohhhhhhhh....! 

Part V
Eva attempts to parallel park between four orange cones and knocks one of them over.  She continues to inch her car forwards and backwards for several minutes for no particular reason.

The scariest part? I passed!

It's Complicated and The Road

I have alot to do and that means that I'm seeing alot of movies.  And watching Family Guy.  Family Guy is so funny.

And while I am dying to both understand why the words "Bullock" and "Oscar buzz" keep appearing in the same sentence and ascertain how offensive The Princess and The Frog is supposed to be (I know I'm supposed to be self-righteously insulted by it. But how much?),  I ended up seeing It's Complicated and The Road.

Here's my four word review of It's Complicated: Meryl Streep food porn.

Before I go any further, I need to disclaim that I am incapable of disliking any film that has Meryl Streep or Steve Martin in it.  And a film where they get high together at a party?  How did you think of that, Nancy Meyers?  Are you as smart as Nora Ephron? 

I personally enjoyed It's Complicated.  But I think we're all in agreement when we ask, "Why the hell does Meryl Streep have to be surrounded by stunning food at all times?"

Memo to screenwriters: Meryl Streep will only do your movie if you have a billion dollar food budget.  But if you have a billion dollar food budget, she will do your movie.

I'm almost certain that It's Complicated was written for the sole purpose of using deleted scenes from Julie & Julia.  There is no other way to explain a chocolate croissant-rolling montage.  

It's Complicated sets out to answer life's unsolvable question, which is: what would happen if someone with the perfect life went slightly outside her comfort zone?  And what if the stakes were really low and her children were blonde and attractive?  And on top of all that, what if she had the most gorgeous kitchen island known to man? 

I personally find this to be way, way more intense than having to decide which of your two children will live.  I applaud you, Meryl Streep. I applaud you for your growth.

So you should see It's Complicated, if only to witness the 90s Love Interest Reunion.  That's what I call the scenes where Rita Wilson, Mary Kay Place, and Alexandra Wentworth "banter" with Meryl Streep over "dip."  Sort of like Sex and the City if each cast member were as memorable as Bill Pullman.

 So in sum, It's Complicated: The inspiring story of a woman whose food is too pretty.   

Basically, The Road is is that one annoying person you know who is always depressed.  Yes, their problems are legitimate.  Yes, they got evicted from their apartment and their dog ran away.  But it's also like....really? Again?  


I am in no way deep enough to appreciate The Road and its grim take on the future of humanity.  I haven't read the International section of any newspaper in about four years.  But if you like gray, depressing, horrifying post-apoloclyptic stories, cannabalism and relentless fear -- and anguished screams. Let's not forget the anguished screams -- you will like The Road.  The whole thing was so depressing I almost stopped thinking about those dresses I saw on UrbanOutfitters.com. 

I've got to say, though -- nothing looks quite as groundbreaking as that new Ben Stiller movie.  Guys -- he plays a risk-adverse guy whose world is rocked by a free-spirited woman!  And you thought it would never happen.  

DOROTA IS PREGNANT!

I'm not saying that Gossip Girl is the most important issue facing this country.  But Gossip Girl is the most important issue facing this country.  Seriously -- I am way, way more upset about Taylor Momson's fake bronzer tan than I could ever be about healthcare.

Then there was the story arc that was so bad it's beyond words -- except two words:  Hillary Duff.  For those of you who don't know, watching Hillary Duff play herself is almost as bad as watching Julia Stiles play someone.  Throw in Taylor Momson and you actually have the blonde acting Village of the Damned.

So Gossip Girl hasn't been that great lately.  But just when I was reconsidering my belief that Josh Schwartz is the smartest, most enlightened storyteller of our generation, he redeemed himself through two far less terrifying words: November Sweeps.

Personally, my requests for November Sweeps are simple.  I merely ask for a contrived sudden romance, a "secret from the past," and that every character somehow show up at the same Thanksgiving Dinner.

If you think Thanksgiving is about family, you are wrong.  Thanksgiving is about spending slightly more time with the only 8 people you ever talk to.

Amazingly, only Gossip Girl had the courage to say, "Fuck you, logic.  We are going to have something huge happen to every single character.  Even if makes no sense!"  That being said:

-Nate suddenly develops feelings for Serena.
-Dan suddenly develops feelings for Vanessa (and is informed of this feelings by Vanessa's creepily bug-eyed mom).
-Speaking of Dan, don't you hate it when the girl you had your first threesome with is in love with your secret half-brother?
-Serena runs off with a 35-year-old congressman.
-Taylor Momson discovers that her stepbrother has secretly hated her since episode 003!  Josh Schwartz gets extra points for referring to an event that no one remembers.
-Lily Bart wasn't just having a real-life baby.  She was having an on-TV affair!  As an aside, this is exactly what happened to her OC-doppelganger, Kirsten.  But you know how Kiki gets.

And last, but absolutely the opposite of least:  Doroda is pregnant!

And that is why Josh Schwartz is a genius.  Not because Eleanor Waldorf is moving to Paris.  Not because Jenny is whoring herself to a Belgian Prince.  But because Blair's Russian maid having a baby and they haven't even served the pumpkin pie.  That, people, is November Sweeps done right.

it's official: the american dream is over

As many of you know, I've been busy for awhile with "various projects" -- not in the uni-bomber sense as much as the obsessive writer sense.

At first, I thought it was worth the trouble because I put no value in food or people.  But last week I was horrified and dismayed to learn that after all my hard work, after all the dues I've paid, I'm never going to get my Oprah meltdown.  The Oprah meltdown I slaved for my whole life and you know I deserve.

We humans work hard for two reasons: to impress our overachieving former classmates and to compensate for being ugly.  But we also work hard because we are forward-looking creatures.  It's what separates us from the animals, and by animals I of course mean The View.  

Maybe I knew on some level that is was too late for me, that life had dealt me an unfair hand.  But I truly believed that if I worked two jobs and put all my money toward the education of my children, they would be able to go on Oprah's show and have a meltdown.  Or at least jump on top of her couch in the name of a sham marriage.

I guess what they say is true: Sometimes, Oprah retires. But take comfort in knowing that despite the Dream being over, this is still America, and you can still have a meltdown -- just not on Oprah.  It won't actually count, but I guess it will have to do.