Because we all miss Jaywalking so much

I know we're all upset.  It's 2010 and Obama has yet to fix everything. Can someone explain to me why my tap water tastes the same?  Where's my delicious Obama Is The President tap water? 

True, the whole "He's been in office one day!  Give him a chance!" argument no longer really works.  But change is coming to America.  Yes: this Christmas, Amazon sold more Kindles than actual books!

What's a Kindle, you ask? A Kindle is a not fun iPod.  More specifically, a Kindle is a way of letting others know that you spend a lot of money reading, though it's unclear as to what. What it all comes down to is that we officially have no reason not to read Twilight.  

Needless to say, Kindle is going to destroy literacy.  Let me tell you something about the Classics section. Everyone in it would rather be reading The Firm. But if you read The Firm, you look like a fucking moron.  So you read Hemmingway instead. Mark my words: Kindle will do to reading what the Internet has done to porn.  Angels and Demons everywhere, masquerading as To the Lighthouse. 


But back to the progressive new thinking that is 2010.  You might have heard that Harry Reid recently apologized for his observation that President Obama had no "negro dialect." While we are all intrigued by Senator Reid's terrifyingly antiquated racial vocabulary, don't let this distract you from how truly, truly bad an apology this is.

The apology: "I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African-Americans."
Translation: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Equally likely translation: "I said he had no Negro accent. That's a compliment!"

How long will all senators speak in the parlence of an antebellum slaveowner? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we must move on to Jay Leno, who may or may not be getting his old time slot back.

I have an idea. Why don't we take that guy who steals money from work and give him a corner office?

Now Conan O'Brien is threatening to move to Fox, which, as we all know, is the TV network equivalent of your daughter threatening to take a job pole-dancing.  It's that nightmare last resort that proves she's serious. 

Of course, none of this matters, because at the end of the day they're both up against a guy who sleeps with half his staff and is therefore interesting.

People say Leno no longer cares. But he does care. I know this for a fact. Because no one who didn't care would stay up all night writing this hilarious joke:  "NBC.  What does that stand for .... Never Believe your Contract?" 

Leno, you still got it!