the 13 least (and most) forgivable celebrities of 2009

Happy New Year, everyone!  Like all of you, 2010 is the year I'm going to accomplish everything.  Husband, kids, six pack, white picket fence, laser eye surgery, blonde highlights, walk-on on Entourage. Everything.  

But before I move on to 2010, I have to do some ritualistic soul cleansing.  And by soul cleansing I mean semi-coherent pop-culture rant. 

Disclaimer: this isn't the 8 o'clock show of unforgivable celebrity.  This isn't Jauquin Phoenix being weird or David Letterman being randy.  This is the did-they-just-say-that, did-i-just-hear-that, how-do-they-live-with-themselves? edition.  

Keesha

First of all, everyone knows that the name "Kesha" belongs to Keysia Cole and Keasha from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila ("K-E-A-S-H-A.  Okayyyyy?")  Second of all, "Tick Tock" is completely mortifying.  No one brushes their teeth with a bottle of Jack.

Ashton Kutcher

I don't care if you have a million Twitter followers.  Your not blocking sex spam does not make you impressive. 

Carrie Prejean

Actually, Perez Hilton does have a right to call you a "dumb bitch." Stop taking up my Barnes & Noble space with your lame ghostwritten autobiography. 
 





Jay Leno 
It's not your fault that NBC told you you could single-handedly expand late-night TV by two hours every night.  It is your fault that you believed them.  And that you aren't trying.

Whoopi Goldberg
True, no one who watches the View says to themselves, "I can't wait to hear Joy Behar's well-reasoned argument!"  or "Elizabeth Hesselbeck made a really good point the other day...." 
 
 But then there's Whoopi.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe in 2050, some descendent of Clarence Darrow will invoke the highly respected "rape-rape" argument to incarcerate Roman Polanski's cryogenically frozen body.  But for now, Whoopi Goldberg embarrasses me as a woman, as a human, and as a long-time fan of Sister Act II. 

Chris Brown/Charlie Sheen
Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen really got the country "talking" about all the "controversy."  Oh, wait -- there is no controversy, because they're both assholes.  Charlie Sheen says he's innocent.  That's kind of like someone getting shot in the face and Dick Cheney saying, "Who, me?" No controversy here.  They're bad on the order of Lipstick Jungle. 

But then there are the most forgivable celebrities of 2009

Donald Trump
Why do I like you, Donald Trump? Is it the hair? Is it the fact that, when asked by the NY Times last week, you said the single biggest problem facing New York City was dilapidated guardrails?  

Is it because you threw Khloe Kardashian off Celebrity Apprentice for no reason beyond the fact that you didn't like her?  

That must be it.  Bravo, Donald Trump.  Keep up the good work. 

Carla from Top Chef

Oh, Carla. If only you hadn't listened to that moronic season 2 finalist and followed your heart.  Then maybe you'd be Top Chef. Instead, it went to that boring bald guy.  Tension-filled moments include when Carla had to shuck her own oysters and when she screwed up the pear tarts.  But hey, as Carla herself would say, "brotha's gotta cook!" 

Gail Collins

It seems like she's being sweet. But she's twisting the knife. And making you laugh.  And making you think.  And she's always right.  Gail Collins is the reason I wake up in the morning. Which makes Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays that much harder.  Don't become as dependent on her as I am, but do read her column in the NY Times. It makes you a better person.  Start with this one. 

Lady Gaga

We've all heard the theories that she was assembled by a team of Asian marketers in 1986 and that she lies about absolutely everything.  But I love The Fame and choose to believe that she co-wrote it.  And nothing will convince me otherwise. Even proof of otherwise.   

Larry David

Larry David pretends to be cynical and undemonstrative, but the season 7 Curb finale, "Seinfeld," was a touching resolution of his break from Cheryl and one of the funniest Curb episodes to date.  Especially this.  May we all have the self-consciousness to mock ourselves so incisively. 

and....

Mariah Carey?????

Mariah Carey likes to look good.  When your lyrics are literally, "And all my ladies say...", you start becoming conspicuously narcissistic if your entire music video is you posing in a sexy outfit, alone.
Which is why we should be doubly impressed by her performance in Precious.  I don't think she's going to get an Oscar (that will go to Mo'nique), but she went way beyond the token gritty/indie/prosthetic nose cameo of a huge star.  It's time, people. It's time we stop punishing her for Glitter. 

I think I can move forward now. In the meantime, I leave you with the immortal words of Mariah Carey's 2009 hit: "You a 'Mom and Pop'/ I'm a corporation/ I'm the press conference/ You're a conversation/ Ha whoo-a whoa whoa whoa whoa....!"