Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sandra Bullock, why are you ruining my life?
You know how Jewish people feel about Bernie Madoff? That's how I feel about Sandra Bullock. And, obviously, how I feel about Bernie Madoff.
As we all know, Sandra Bullock was sent from Outer Space to warn women of the consequences of trying to "have it all." These consequences range from dying alone to nearly missing out on an inappropriate relationship with your boss, Hugh Grant.
Certainly, she's done some evolving along the way. First she was at the center of huge conspiracies. Then she was Hispanic. Now she's blonde and credible. But somewhere between Paranoid Net Sandra and Officially Legitimate Actress Sandra is Degrading Proposal Sandra, which I saw last night and which must be addressed. Even if it means I have to take leave of my 1000 word essay on "Snookie" from Jersey Shore.
What is The Proposal? Mix the gist of Devil Wears Prada with nine unresearched references to the the publishing industry. Throw in a "crazy sexually active grandmother." Somehow convince Betty White to do the movie (do you own her soul?).
If you can do all this and make the audience feel like they're being begged to laugh at gunpoint, you have The Proposal.
The movie poster tagline of The Proposal is "Here comes the Bribe." But like many Sandra Bullock films, the tagline is actually "Slap that Bitch Down!"
This film centers around Margaret, a career-obsessed ice queen who relishes torturing her assistant and fires men. She's a bitch who needs to be slapped down. And she is! When the United States government threatens to deport her. So she unflinchingly forces her assistant Ryan Reynolds to commit a felony by pretending he's her fiance. I know. Like that bloodness feminazi could land a laid-back guy like Ryan Reynolds!
As Stephanie Zackarek noted in her review of Leap Year, it's amazing what lows directors will sink to to make a character suffer. In Leap Year, for example, Amy Adams steps in dog shit, slips in the mud, and -- humiliatingly -- stars in Leap Year.
But there's suffering and then there's cringingly degrading. Seriously. I will give a prize to anyone who can count how many balls swung in front of Sandra Bullock's face. At the first "check point" in her journey toward true womanhood, she's forced to her knees so she can give Ryan Reynolds a "proper proposal." No symbolism there! And has a gyrating erotic dancer's crotch repeatedly thrust in her face. And is felt up by Betty White, which was actually a new one for me. Sometimes bitches have to find creative new ways to be slapped down.
As per usual, the truth comes out in front of a hundred horrified wedding guests. Those morons are always so shocked. But the best part was the end, when Andrew finally holds up his hand and says forcefully, "Margaret, stop talking." Because that's when he becomes a true man and she becomes a true woman, thus restoring the natural order.
You go, Ryan Reynolds. Slap that bitch down.
Posted by procrastsensation at 11:44 PM
Labels: ramone, slapping that bitch down, the proposal, women making less money than men solely due to sandra bolluck