2010 Grammys Live Blog: Gaga, Beyonce, and the wisdom of Justin Beiber

 

Last night was the Grammys. Or as the CBS cameraman likes to call it, "What does Beyonce think of that?"

I've been a music lover ever since I was lucky enough to attend a concert by one of its true legends.  That's right: Tatiana Ali.  Who would've guessed that she'd go on to win a People's Choice Award?

Live Blog of the 2010 Grammys

7:00: Our evening begins with Ryan Seacrest, who leads us down the Red Carpet and frequently betrays how uncomfortable he is with the human touch.  Specifically when that human touch is Miley Cyrus and she's leaning in flirtatiously.

Miley: My promise ring will say "I will always love Ryan, forever."
Ryan Seacrest: Thanks ... sis. (gives Miley awkward hug and shoves her off-camera). 

7:15:  CBS confirms the long-debated theory that if you force celebrities to share the red carpet with the "Pants on the Ground" guy, you will make them very, very angry.

7:25:  Colbert's Lady Gaga fashion predictions: "I hear they're just going to spray her down with glue and run her through a Build-A-Bear workshop."

 7:29: Lady Gaga arrives and every Red Carpet host tries to pretend they give a shit about who they're talking to while looking to see whether it is, in fact, Lady Gaga or just someone who really, really looks like Lady Gaga.

7:30:  So apparently Ciara has two pet dogs that she will not shut up about.

7:31: It is Lady Gaga. Ciara's dogs will have to wait.

7:43:  Ryan Seacrest sidles over to Justin Beiber and playfully rumples his hair.

7:45:  Justin to Ryan: "You're always on your grind, I'm always on my grind, and we're doin' it." 

7:46:  Red Carpet hostess Giuliana calls Kesha "garbage can chic."  Translation: You're a whore.

7:49:  Jay raves to Ryan Seacrest about the contours and amazing detail on Beyonce's dress. Ryan:  "Contours?  I was just looking at her hot body!"  We get it, Ryan.  You're not gay.

8:03: Wow.  You know you've arrived when Elton John smears dirt all over his face to sing with you.


8:30:  The world roots for Taylor Swift to win a Grammy in light of her humiliation at the VMAs.  Then she wins one and world learns that -- as it turns out -- Taylor Swift is fucking annoying.   

8:56: Memo to Simon Baker: no woman on the planet wants you to refer to them "exquisite."

9:01: Part one of new feature of the Grammys, "Desperately Trying to Upstage Lady Gaga."  Beyonce marches on with giant, menacing army.

9:07: "You Oughta Know?"  Actually, we don't.  Have any idea why you're singing that, Beyonce.  

9:18:  Also, could someone explain J-Lo's bizarre emotional attachment to Greenday's new Jukebox musical? Maybe she, too, associates "Time of Your Life" with 8th grade graduation.

9:45: "Desperately Trying to Upstage Lady Gaga," part two. Black Eyed Peas have their own army.....of creepy red lightbulb men. 

9:46: Attention, world:  Sheryl Crow is now Southern.

10:11: Sorry, Pink. You can spend 2 years and half a million dollars learning how to do circus acrobatics. You can twist around above the audience and spray crap from your hair.  You're not even fucking close to beating Gaga.

10:34: Hey, you know who should really do a duet?  Celine Dion and Usher.

10:47: Michael Jackson's kids are onstage. But what does Beyonce think of that?

10:48: Announcer: "Can Taylor Swift beat her elders?" Aren't they, like ... 8?

10:56: Finally, someone else who refers to Wycleaf Jean as "the loving son of Haiti."

11:08: Speaking of Haiti, that benefit song wasn't at all undermined by the huge, glittery "The fans want Livin' on a Prayer!" sign that flashed when .... the fans wanted "Livin' on a Prayer."

11:25: Taylor Swift wins the Grammy for Best Album!  If I had been nominated I would have found the comment, "80 years from now, this is the story we'll all tell our grandkids!" to be totally insufferable.  But don't worry.  Lady Gaga was pretty poker-faced about the whole thing.