Undercover Boss Live Blog: 7-Eleven more dull than Clerks would have you believe

By far, the best thing about Undercover Boss is that you don't actually have to watch it to know what happens:

CEO:  I love my job and my family!
Then:
CEO's executive team:  You're going to do what?
 Then:
CEO:  Boy, this work is hard! It didn't occur to me that it would be this hard!
 Then:
Various employees: Thank you for changing my life forever!

So CEOs go "into the trenches," employees blink back happy tears, as per dictated by American Dream.  But how do we get to the happy tears?  Therein lies the pull of Undercover Boss. 

Undercover Boss live blog -- Week 3: "Big boss come to plain worker!"

0:01: This week, Undercover Boss "takes on" 7-Eleven, a.k.a that place where you bought your first Mike's Hard Lemonade.

1:03: Meet Joe Dipinto.  Family man. Military man. Virgin.  Okay, he has four kids. But he's, you know, perfect. 

1:53: As usual, the Undercover Boss announcer is coked out on the excitement that is Undercover Boss: "Meet Joe Depinto: The Baron of the Big Bite....The Sultan of the Slurpee....The King of Convenience!"  By the way, the announcer's dream is to write for the Daily Show.


4:25: Fun fact: the time Joe spent at West Point was "formative." Interesting. Usually Westpoint is just this flash in the pan. 

5:32:  No mention of Clerks? Really? You're really not going to mention Clerks?

6:11: As usual, the CEO's executive team looks like they've been confronted with the most shocking news of their lives.

7:54: Joe prepares to go "into the trenches."  Alter ego: Danny Rossi. Regular guy who happens to have a camera crew following him around everywhere he goes. 

8:00: Do they give any costuming advice at Undercover Boss beyond "please try to resemble a sex offender as closely as possible?"

12:49: Joe meets Delores, who has five children and one kidney.  I'm thinking she's going to get a drawing of a horsey. 

16:26: Joe pearl of wisdom: "The night shift is a tough time to work because you're preparing for the next day!" 

24:33: Joe meets Waqas, Pakistanian immigrant who works the night shift so he can put himself through school.

27:17: Why does Waqas call Joe "Mr. Danny?"

31:49: Joe discovers that all the donuts he was sure were going to charity are actually going in the trash. I smell a "bad guy!"

34:01: Joe video diary: "I have to make sure my army is attracting the best soldiers." One of the many ways working at 7-Eleven is like fighting a war.


38:52: Joe meets the coolest person ever to appear on Undercover Boss: Igor, the amazing Kazakstanian truck driver. 

41:38: Joe: "Aren't you cold?"  Igor: "It like Russian summertime!"

43:24: Igor (riding truck lift): "Roller coaster! Six Flags! You like!"

45:30: Seriously. How great is Igor?

47:06: Joe solemnly informs the executives that the donuts are not going to charity as all had hoped.  Two shake their heads sadly.  The rest know better than to pretend they care.

47:56: No bad guys this week.  Because 7-Eleven is perfect. 

48:39: Joe begins the process of changing his employees' lives!

51:26: Actually, he does a pretty good job.  Waqas is now a field manager.  Igor owns his own store!  And 7-Eleven is funding a major effort to get organ donations.  The only person who gets kind of screwed is Phil the Artist, who was hired to do "freelance artwork" for the company.  Joe put a lot of emphasis on the word "freelance."

54:13: Slow-motion happy tears montage! And everybody wins.

55:55: And so ends another inspiring week of Undercover Boss.  If you have absolutely no idea what the point of all that was, just ask Igor:

"Big boss come to plain worker. I could not believe that was happen! Only in the movie. Only in the book. Only in .... America."

No, Igor. Only at 7-Eleven.