Celebrity Apprentice slides further into Celebrity Village of the Damned

As many of you know, I was down in Los Angeles last week. Needless to say, I was way too busy going to awesome tastemaker Malibu parties to update my blog.

Fine. I was sleeping on a couch in Culver City. Though if you believe I went to "awesome tastemaker Malibu parties," you deserve to be lied to.

I learned a lot in Los Angeles. For example, skintight jeans that make you look really fat are not "all the rage." Why would that ruthless Melrose boutique saleslady tell me that? I don't know, either.

I also learned the real definition of "celebrity,” which is someone you don’t recognize loudly complaining about their stalkers in the Beverly Hills Peet's. (Alternate: someone who refers to Nancy Meyers as "Nancy," as in "I just loved working with Nancy! (pause) Nancy Meyers!")

But no matter, because we have insanely, insanely important things to talk about: the return of Life Meaning. I am of course talking about Celebrity Apprentice.

What is Celebrity Apprentice, you ask? Celebrity Apprentice is the greatest thing that ever happened to anybody. Anyone who watched last season can vouch for me, notable events including:

-Annie Duke slowly revealing her true pure evil devil-spawn colors a la All About Eve.
-Jesse James claiming he had no money. Yes, the Jesse James of "Jesse James and Sandra Bullock."
-And, of course, the infamous "Bitch Viper Pitbull" incident. You should really know about that one. That one is more important than health care. (My post on it here)

Can this season of Celebrity Apprentice deliver? Will one of these philanthropic E-listers top this all-time best Celebrity Apprentice moment?

Annie Duke: She compared me to Hitler!
Joan Rivers: You're different than Hitler. Hitler had PMS.

Based on the premiere, all signs point to possibly!

Now, I know that many of you think Celebrity Apprentice is playing it a bit “fast and loose” with the word “celebrity” and that it should be followed by the phrase “village of the damned.” But there are degrees, people. We all know it’s better to be a drug addict than the star of Houseguest.

Right off the bat, we saw many of the familiar Celebrity Apprentice archtypes, including:

The Washed-Out Comedian: Having Sinbad on Celebrity Apprentice is kind of like giving Tim Allen a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame: it cheapens it for everyone. Even Ricky Martin is like, are you fucking kidding me?

The Surprisingly Competent Bad Boy: Poison's Bret Michaels


The Hot Chick who is Singled out for Special Attention: Maria Kannellis


The Two Batshit Crazy People who, Ironically, Hate Each Other: Cyndi Lauper and Sharon Osborne.


Woman Ivanka Trump Inexplicably Hates Who is Then Thrown Off the Show: Carol Leifer.

The Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper Lady: That’s not actually a category. I just think it’s awesome that they got the woman who sang “Cooo-oo-oooo-oo-oooo-per!” And that they cleared her schedule!

And, of course,


Various Pro Athletes We Don’t Actually Recognize: I don’t know. I feel like one of them runs really fast …?

But Celebrity Apprentice is not about the “big names” or the “actual definition of a celebrity.” It’s about honoring charities in a tightly-controlled, artificial contest environment! Just the way God intended.

And so, let us move onto

Highlights from Episode 1: “You know what? I’m walking.”

That’s right. Donald Trump decided to walk instead of taking his usual limo. Where he was walking? It’s not entirely clear. But we do know it was spontaneous and that he’s helping the common man.

“I don’t play well with other children, but I can be the nastiest bitch in the world.” Sharon Osborne, minute one. Oh, I have high hopes for her!

Sharon Osborne before even meeting Cyndi Lauper: “She’s so out there – totally barking mad!”

Sharon Osborne when serving customers hamburgers: “I shall be leading with one tickity boom!" No, we don’t know what that means.

Sinbad practicing for the half-hour Comedy Central special no one scheduled

Is there anything that can’t be cured by a New York City montage?

The amused and then increasingly disturbed glances other contestants exchange after Blago says anything. Such as the following: “I didn't cook at all when I was governor. I was cookin' up results for people, alright?”

And now you're cracking jokes with Sinbad. If that doesn't get you to the Walk of Fame, nothing will.  Unless you're following Daryl Strawberry's car through the scenic City of Industry.