"I love you more than rainbows, baby."

So last night was the Oscars.Many of the biggest awards went to The Hurt Locker, aka the one movie you didn't actually see.  Damn you, Cop Out! You took away my dream of not being mortifyingly uncultured. 

By far, the best thing about the 2010 Oscars was that no celebrity pretended to care about anything besides J Lo's creepy mattress dress.  Sorry, Haiti -- but did you really expect to compete with a creepy mattress dress?

My theory is that she was wearing it in support of troubled adolescent boys. 

This year, Oscars opened with a musical number from Neil Patrick "I will achieve world domination via ceremony hosting" Harris.  Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin playfully ribbed each other, which was funny.  Then they playfully ribbed George Clooney, which was funny until George Clooney started looking like a serial killer.

I was happy for Katherine Bigelow.  The best part of her winning was definitely the pre-commercial teaser: "Will the Oscar for Best Director go to the first woman in history, the first African-American in history, or .... Jason Reitman?"

Don't feel bad, Avatar.  Sure, The Hurt Locker won all the major awards, but Ben Stiller put on nine hours of Avatar makeup for no reason!  If only they gave out awards for Most Time Spent in Service to the Possibility of Getting a Confused Chuckle. 

Then there was the woman of the night. That special speech we practice for our whole lives.  That's right: the Oprah praise speech.  Be honest: if it really came down to it, would really choose an Oscar over having Oprah publically confirm that she thinks you're neat? 

No, you're right. Definitely Peter Saarsgard.