Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Facebook, your love is my drug.
Since I decided to temporarily reduce my consumption of Facebook, my life has been better. Naturally, the only way to communicate this is to post about it on Facebook.
You know how Ke$ha wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy? When I wake up in the morning, I feel like checking my Facebook.
The real problem with Facebook is that it's impossible to rationalize. It's not even like I'm doing anything productive. I'm just finding out useless things about people I hate.
Oh, I still love it. If someone had offered me a choice yesterday between having all my wildest dreams come true and checking Facebook, I'd be commenting on a thoughtful New York Times Op-Ed faster than you can say "mobile upload."
Facebook is its own coming-of-age story. Before last year, it had never occurred to me that the pictures I had posted of me throwing my arm around a person next to me and mouthing the words "Whooo-HOOOO!" with a red plastic cup in my hand were not totally bitchin'. That was a tough birthday.
Facebook is also a great way to re-connect with old friends for the sole purpose of displaying how awesome you look. Or, barring that, that you know how to upload old Polaroids of yourself as an 8-year-old.
Of course, there's the total lack of accountability. I'm not just talking about "Facebook hackers." That's when you drunk post and pretend it wasn't you.
Basically, Facebook is that term paper you put off for so long that all you have time to do is just write what you think as it comes to you. (Not to brag, but I've written papers where I literally had to keep my hands moving on the keyboard typing any and all words I could think of to finish on time). No one really knows what they're posting or why, except that, like bacon at a restaurant, it doesn't really count.
The exception, of course, are the top secret parties where the only people who know about it are the 10 people you want to show up and the 3000 people you don't. Proving the age-old theory that while we love to socialize with our friends, the real point of having a party is to not invite people.
Generally, though, I think Facebook is good for relationships. I haven't tested this theory, but I truly believe that if you update your status to "Engaged" before the guy is ready, nine times out of ten he'll go along with it.
Maybe I'm not lost on the irony of expressing all this by writing a blog and posting it to your Newsfeed. Maybe I'm still an obsessive lurker who knows all but "likes" nothing. But at the end of the day, I feel much more productive ranting about Facebook then refreshing it.
Oh, and don't even judge me. I know where you found this.