2010 VMAs: no, we still don't know what the "M" stands for.

As it turns out, if you have an awards show devoted to honoring music videos, it helps to have played some of them.  


Since the 1990s, The VMAs have been the People's Choice Awards of Music. Except that last time I checked, people still exist, while on MTV, music does not.   

As a result, despite the coked-up DJs screaming into the mike that this was the most exciting, fresh, in-your-face night of the year, there was something sort of off about the whole thing.  

First, there was the Red Carpet, during which MTV "DJs" (I'm putting this in quotes because DJs usually do something distantly related to music) yelled that the crowd behind them was losing their minds as the biggest stars in the world arrived.  Unfortunately, saying something does not make it true, and the girls behind her seemed much happier texting than hearing Snookie talk about her spray-tan.  

Another DJ yelled about how happy she was the the fans had taken a vote to decide her Red Carpet outfit, which appeared to be a shapeless potato sack with glitter-nipples, so I'm thinking the fans pulled a fast one.  


Despite being the Dementor of artistic integrity, MTV still manages to unite music lovers.  That is because -- whether you are a rocker or rapper -- performers of every stripe can agree that sharing the red carpet with the cast of Jersey Shore makes you feel worthless.

Needless to say, many of the stars looked uncomfortable.  At least as uncomfortable as anyone with standards looks when appearing on the same network as the new reality show "Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It."

To present the awards, MTV booked cool stars like Ellen who -- like all stars who don't exist solely to sell Proactive -- fell into that "I'm not here" monotone celebrities use when it hits them that they're onstage at an awards show that nominated Ke$ha. 

The tension was alleviated slightly by host Chelsea Handler, who -- while she was not able to conceal how desperately she wanted to not be there -- won the crowd over by swearing up and down that the cast of Jersey Shore had herpes.  It got awkward when it was clear she wasn't kidding. And that she followed up by accusing Justin Beiber of being a 28-year-old lesbian. 

So nothing that interesting happened unless you count the fact that -- sometime between now and 1986, the year she was born -- Lindsay Lohan has managed to turn 80.  

Lady Gaga, as always, was very gracious about the awards she won.  One of them she shared with her fans, saying "looks like we're winners!" Though, last time I checked, spending $80 on a T-shirt that says "Haus of Gaga" on it doesn't make you a winner.

In the end, the VMAs was a bizarre collection of celebrities grimacing their way through feigned excitement.  And while we may not know what the 'M' in MTV stands for, it may just stand for 'boring.'  At least until they come up with a category for Snookie's spray-tan.