As we all know, the best part of seeing a movie is not the movie itself, but rather the part afterward where you pretend you could have done better via bitchy, self-righteous blogging.
Last weekend, I saw Going the Distance, starring Drew "I'm indie because I wear baggy pants" Barrymore and Justin "cute and Jewish with bangs" Long.
Going the Distance is the inspiring story of Erin and Garrett, two people who fall madly in love but -- while they don't appear to have any real obligations or debt -- would sort of rather stay in their respective cities. A doomed romance on the order of Love Story. Or, like, Gigli.
The film starts with Justin Long making out with the dark-haired girl from Gossip Girl. Creepy, but not as creepy as Michael Douglas making out with a girl who was born in 1989 (Solitary Man deadens you to everything).
Garrett can't commit, as proven by his two wacky best friends who spend five minutes saying things along the lines of, "Oh, Garrett! You can't commit!" But, like, wackier.
Enter Erin. Like every Drew Barrymore character in the universe, Erin is funky, independent, and rocks outfits that would make anyone else look like a lesbian from the 80s.
Also like every Drew Barrymore character in the universe, Erin wants to be a writer. Why? Because when Drew Barrymore was a small child, someone held a gun to her head told her that playing a writer is the height of being funky and independent.
Erin and Garrett meet a dive-bar, where Garrett falls for Erin's funky-independent-ness and Erin falls for Justin Long's ability to sort of look like Ross from Friends.
After an edgy night of beer, Pac Man and trivia, Erin and Garrett go back to Garrett's apartment, where we learn that Garrett is a quirky guy because he has a poster of Lenny Bruce hanging above his bed.
Despite the edgy, quirky funkiness, Going the Distance did have a few of the familiar Rom Com conventions, such as:
Ruthlessly efficient falling-in-love montage
Coming up with a meaningful way to demonstrate deepening love can be so darn hard. That's why God invented the split-screen montage! That's when they're not only falling in love via Coney Island, they're also falling in love via Top of the Rock. The Cure is playing too loudly for you to hear what they're saying, but you can tell by Garrett and Erin's carefree ocean frolicking that they're meant to be.
Neurotic best friend with slightly bigger gums
The lead girl must have a slightly uglier sidekick. Which is why they turned the stunning Christina Applegate into a shrill, obsessive-compulsive harpy who hates sex.
Cast of people who are supposed to be "quirky" but are actually so annoying you feel like you're being abused.
Just your usual stoner waiter who thinks 2010 jug wine is the best thing ever. And the best friend of the neurotic best friend? Barely human.
"Mumblecore" Dialogue
The kind of banter that when you overhear it at a restaurant, you think, "That could totally be in a movie!", but when you're paying $12.50, you realize it really, really can't. Too good to be true, not interesting enough to be fake. Sort of like Juno. Though at least Juno didn't wear a sexy, post-ironic bow tie.
Alternate universe where whatever problem the main couple is going through is the worst problem in the world
What's that you say, reader? Family and friends tend to not really care if you're in a long-distance relationship? Not so in Going the Distance a.k.a. Crazy Angry Anti-Long-Distance Relationship World where in order of badness, it goes long distance relationship, holocaust, oil spill.
Needless to say, there was a lot of people saying, "Wait, you're in a long-distance relationship?" the way most people would say, "You buried that body in the yard? aren't you worried the police will find you?" That's the way they roll in Crazy Angry Anti-Long-Distance Relationship World.
Metaphorical Asian
If there's one hard lesson I learned growing up, it's that not all Asians are metaphors. Luckily, they are in the movies. So when Garrett is playing Pac Man at the dive bar where he met his now ex-girlfriend Erin, he of course meets an Asian who tells him the errors of his ways coded in a discussion about Erin's impressive Pac Man scores. "That's a hard one to beat," the Asian said meaningfully. Needless to say, it resonated with Garrett on many levels.
So Garrett and Erin spend a long time figuring out what to do, but neither of them want to move because it's just sort of inconvenient, y'know?
In the end, they do manage to solve the problem in the least satisfying way possible. Which makes you regret the 90 minutes you spent trying to convince yourself that Drew Barrymore went to Stanford Journalism School.
So Going the Distance. Not the best movie in the world.
It could be worse, though. Drew Barrymore could actually be writing.
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4 comments:
Great review. :)
Drew Barrymore did write, though. How do you think Gigli came to life? She was just too modest to take the credit.
Haha!! Yeah, she gave it to Michael Brest instead - Dir. of the very riveting Meet Joe Black. Of course, she applied her genius producing skills to He's Just Not That into You and -- for lovers of montages -- Whip It, which was even more ruthlessly efficient. Cause Juno learned to roller skate in, like, 4 seconds.
I like Ellen Page...did you see 'Hard Candy'? Was very good.
I liked Whip It though. I think she's got potential as a director.
HJNTIY felt like an in-joke the audience wasn't let in on, as did GTD.
I'm just not a fan of Drew Barrymore though. She needs to reinvent herself into something else that's more interesting as an actress otherwise I can't be bothered.
I like Ellen Page...did you see 'Hard Candy'? Was very good and I liked Whip It. I think Drew has potential as a director.
HJNTIY felt like an in-joke the audience wasn't let in on, as did GTD.
I'm just not a fan of Drew Barrymore as an actress anymore. She needs to reinvent herself into something else that's more interesting as an actress otherwise I can't be bothered.
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