Why Obama needs to watch The Simpsons

Ah, State of the Union.  The one night a year where Americans of every color, creed, and religious affiliation can join together and watch Nancy Pelosi touch her face.

Highlights include Tim Geithner blinking and that time when Obama censured the Supreme Court and it kind of looked like he was scolding a bunch of Hogwarts professors.

It was a nice speech, with alliterations that warmed the heart and challenged the mind ("Strife and strength?"  That's a thinker.)  There were many moments when the audience erupted into applause and rose to its feet.  But that's what you do when you hear a sports metaphor and you're wasted (had anyone not been drinking?). 

As Americans, we learned about ourselves.  We are "struggling but encouraged," "generous in spirit," and -- my personal favorite -- "strained but hopeful."  Could someone explain that last one?  I'm picturing a person over a toilet with a big smile on their face.

I applaud Obama for recognizing our "stubborn resilience in the face of adversity."  I'd forgotten about that. Before you write to Obama about your lack of health care, be sure to check the back of your closet for stubborn resilience.  Remember -- it's in the face of adversity, and it's always in the last place you look. 

Speaking of looking, we have our work cut out for us. We have to find those four people in the country who like to write in to the White House about their great jobs! 

But don't be too hard on Obama.  Remember -- "When you do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."  Like tax cuts and offshore oil and gas development.  That's about as groundbreaking as Leap Year.

Before I go to my favorite moment in Obama's speech, I want to return to his criticism of the Supreme Court.  A few weeks ago, the Court ruled that the government can't curtail political spending by corporations in candidate elections.  They can spend money freely in campaigns because -- according to the 1986 case Pacific Gas and Electric vs. Public Util' Comm'n -- corporations are citizens deserving of free speech.  

Is there a problem with this logic?  As usual, my point is best explained by quoting The Simpsons:

Moe: So, hi there. Don't scream!
Woman: Oh, hi! Want to join me for a Bacardi and soda?
Moe: (surprised) Yeah, that'd be great!
Woman: Or maybe you'd prefer a cool, refreshing Bacardi Colada!
Moe: Sure, whatever ...
Woman: Because Bacardi makes the night come alive -- with freshness!
Moe: Uh, do you work for Bacardi?

Woman: (Sarcastically) No. I'm in love with you.  (Slaps a "Drink Rum" sticker on Moe's forehead and leaves.) 

You don't have to be a legal scholar to understand that personifying a corporation is just plain funny.  Justice Renquist agreed back in 1986 in his dissent of Pacific Gas and Electric vs. Public Util' Comm'n, saying that:

"To ascribe [corporations] an 'intellect' or 'mind' for freedom of conscience purposes is to confuse metaphor with reality."

In other words, corporations aren't people. They have no actual interest in self-expression.  They're for profit.  They have one priority -- legally, a requirement -- and that is to maximize wealth for their shareholders. 

While we're at it, here's another way corporations differ from actual people: corporations have limited liability. Real people have actual liability, all the time, forever. 

So that's why my favorite analogy by far was the "Government as Family" one:

"Families across the country are tightening their belts and making tough decisions. The federal government should do the same. [...]  Like any cash-strapped family, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don't."

Obama censured the Supreme Court for treating corporations like people.  But if corporations aren't people, neither is the government.  

It's illogical to equate budget cuts with the struggles of an actual family -- struggles which are deepened by the cutting of public housing, rent subsidies, and education.  More than that, it's insulting.  If Obama's response to political pressure is to become a budget hawk, fine.  But if Obama insists on praising us for our "strenuous hope," maybe next time he can do actual cash-strapped families a favor and watch an episode of the Simpsons. 

"If you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

"All I ask is one thing... Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism.  For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

Someone once asked Garry Shandling when his delivery changed from traditional joke/punchline to the conversational style he's now known for.  Shandling responded that it started in a moment of personal crisis -- he was having relationship problems and for once, "the event of breaking up with the woman was bigger than the event of being onstage."

This quote spoke to me at a time when I was engaging in classic comedian double-think.  That's when you think you're saying what you want to say but you're actually saying, "what will they think of this? How can I get them to laugh?"  And your jokes come out some lame corruption of whatever made them laugh last week.  And it's not your voice. 

Comedy isn't just about getting people to open up their mouths and laugh.  You can have the last word on something simple, or you can communicate things you really care about.  It's the difference between winning the conversation and actually having one.
  
Last night, Conan used the close of his show as an opportunity to communicate, not to win.  And he reminded me that some comic writers approach their work from a place other than "output of funny." 

Conan ended his tenure on the Tonight Show on an intimidatingly high note, but it was also an inviting one.  Keep writing. Amazing things will happen.

The Deep End. It just doesn't get any lamer.

Entertainment-wise, 2010 is off to a strange start.  Conan and Leno are fighting over who gets the first of three identical monologues (the jokes will still be the same, but who gets to tell them first?)  Jersey Shore sensation "Snookie" is the darling of central PA car dealerships. And yes, that angsty lesbian you heard on the radio is actually Justin Bieber. 

But let me tell you about a show I just watched.  Five inexplicably attractive twenty-somethings from diverse backgrounds have to navigate a challenging new work environment?

They walk around really purposefully and have lots of sex?

They're surrounded by mentor-type figures who spew wisdom pearls like it's oyster night at Red Lobster?

No. It's not Grey's Anatomy.  It's The Deep End, ABC's answer to that great, great demand we have for a new lawyer drama. 

Welcome to Sterling, Huddle, Oppenheim & Craft, where the lawyers are hot, the wine flows freely, and Billy Zane's career is clearly in the tank.  Having Billy Zane there is more than a little distracting. It's like, why are you ... here?

I know why:  Because he wants to be in The Deep End.  And yes, it *is* The Deep End. "'I know I dropped you in 'The Deep End,'" says Senior Partner Clancy Brown. "But I'll be your mentor....until you learn to swim."  Later, four of the hot young lawyer stars throw their hot lawyer friend into the pool.  "Hey!" they laugh, "we just dropped you in 'The Deep End!'"  

 The Deep End tells a story we've been yearning to hear.  The story of two women and three brown-haired guys who look exactly alike save that one of them is kind of British.

And if that wasn't enough, get this:  Two people we don't care about have to share power so they can sustain a lifestyle that no longer actually exists!  One of them is Cliff Huddle, played by Billy Zane.  He's mean and frequently threatens to light people on fire.  Does it make any sense? No. But anything's game in The Deep End. 

Watching The Deep End is sort of like listening to an A-Ha song.  You know they're speaking English, but something's a little off.  Take those mentors.  The pilot of Grey's Anatomy featured awesome, iconic moments such as this:

Meredith: You said five rules. That was only four.
Bailey: Rule number five: When I move, you move. (looks at pager and starts running).

In The Deep End, it's kind of more like this:

Clancy: Sometimes...a man has to choose between what gets him paid ... and what gets him laid.

Or this:

Clancy: Sometimes ... justice needs a nudge.

So "Clancy" may not be the sharpest tool in the drawer.  But hey, that's life in The Deep End.  Or, as the show's tagline proclaims, "Out of their league. In over their heads. And exactly...where they want to be."

Also, watch out for that Israeli "girl client."  I hear she's a real maneater!

The Golden Globes aka the mother teresa of awards ceremonies

In 2004, celebrities got a lot of flack for celebrating the Oscars the weekend we invaded Iraq.  Apparently,  it's considered "selfish" during a humanitarian crisis to ignore it and put $4 million worth of diamonds around your neck.  It's one of those decorum things, like using the correct fork at a meal.

Despite being totally in the right, the celebrities wanted the Golden Globes not to be sullied by words like "travesty," and "have you no shame?"

And so, early in the ceremony, America learned that everything was going to be okay with Haiti.  Because the celebrities were going to save it with their ribbons.

First, Nicole Kidman tearfully acknowledged the "real" point of the Golden Globes -- Haiti, was that not clear? -- and cited "George" for his philanthropy, best demonstrated by his presence at the Golden Globes.  George looked down and blinked back embarrassed tears.

The elders of the celebrity community reminded everyone to keep their chins up in this time of crisis.  During her long acceptance speech -- as we all know, starting "wrap up" music during a Streep Speech is punishable by death -- Meryl Streep told a deeply personal story about her struggles to make sense of the problems of the world.  But the moral was a happy one -- which is that at the end of the day, you just shouldn't get too bummed about Haiti.

Sometimes, the contribution of the ribbon was disrupted by news of a celebrity who actually took the time to attend a charity event.  This prompted celebrities to remind everyone of the power of the ribbons.  For example, when Alec Baldwin was unable to accept his award, Maggie Gyllanhal stumbled onstage and weepingly told us to "in the midst of all this, remember Haiti."  It was thoughtful of Maggie re-focus attention away from the crude money-raising and back toward the ribbons.

So next time someone asks you whether celebrities have any shame, ignore them.  Clearly, they did not see the ribbons.

Sandra Bullock, why are you ruining my life?

You know how Jewish people feel about Bernie Madoff? That's how I feel about Sandra Bullock.  And, obviously, how I feel about Bernie Madoff.

As we all know, Sandra Bullock was sent from Outer Space to warn women of the consequences of trying to "have it all."  These consequences range from dying alone to nearly missing out on an inappropriate relationship with your boss, Hugh Grant.

Certainly, she's done some evolving along the way. First she was at the center of huge conspiracies. Then she was Hispanic. Now she's blonde and credible. But somewhere between Paranoid Net Sandra and Officially Legitimate Actress Sandra is Degrading Proposal Sandra, which I saw last night and which must be addressed.  Even if it means I have to take leave of my 1000 word essay on "Snookie" from Jersey Shore.

What is The Proposal?  Mix the gist of Devil Wears Prada with nine unresearched references to the the publishing industry.  Throw in a "crazy sexually active grandmother." Somehow convince Betty White to do the movie (do you own her soul?).

If you can do all this and make the audience feel like they're being begged to laugh at gunpoint, you have The Proposal.

The movie poster tagline of The Proposal is "Here comes the Bribe."  But like many Sandra Bullock films, the tagline is actually "Slap that Bitch Down!" 

This film centers around Margaret, a career-obsessed ice queen who relishes torturing her assistant and fires men.  She's a bitch who needs to be slapped down.  And she is! When the United States government threatens to deport her.  So she unflinchingly forces her assistant Ryan Reynolds to commit a felony by pretending he's her fiance. I know.  Like that bloodness feminazi could land a laid-back guy like Ryan Reynolds!

As Stephanie Zackarek noted in her review of Leap Year, it's amazing what lows directors will sink to to make a character suffer.  In Leap Year, for example, Amy Adams steps in dog shit, slips in the mud, and -- humiliatingly -- stars in Leap Year. 

But there's suffering and then there's cringingly degrading.  Seriously.  I will give a prize to anyone who can count how many balls swung in front of Sandra Bullock's face. At the first "check point" in her journey toward true womanhood, she's forced to her knees so she can give Ryan Reynolds a "proper proposal." No symbolism there!  And has a gyrating erotic dancer's crotch repeatedly thrust in her face.  And is felt up by Betty White, which was actually a new one for me.  Sometimes bitches have to find creative new ways to be slapped down.

As per usual, the truth comes out in front of a hundred horrified wedding guests.  Those morons are always so shocked. But the best part was the end, when Andrew finally holds up his hand and says forcefully, "Margaret, stop talking."  Because that's when he becomes a true man and she becomes a true woman, thus restoring the natural order.

You go, Ryan Reynolds. Slap that bitch down.  

Because we all miss Jaywalking so much

I know we're all upset.  It's 2010 and Obama has yet to fix everything. Can someone explain to me why my tap water tastes the same?  Where's my delicious Obama Is The President tap water? 

True, the whole "He's been in office one day!  Give him a chance!" argument no longer really works.  But change is coming to America.  Yes: this Christmas, Amazon sold more Kindles than actual books!

What's a Kindle, you ask? A Kindle is a not fun iPod.  More specifically, a Kindle is a way of letting others know that you spend a lot of money reading, though it's unclear as to what. What it all comes down to is that we officially have no reason not to read Twilight.  

Needless to say, Kindle is going to destroy literacy.  Let me tell you something about the Classics section. Everyone in it would rather be reading The Firm. But if you read The Firm, you look like a fucking moron.  So you read Hemmingway instead. Mark my words: Kindle will do to reading what the Internet has done to porn.  Angels and Demons everywhere, masquerading as To the Lighthouse. 


But back to the progressive new thinking that is 2010.  You might have heard that Harry Reid recently apologized for his observation that President Obama had no "negro dialect." While we are all intrigued by Senator Reid's terrifyingly antiquated racial vocabulary, don't let this distract you from how truly, truly bad an apology this is.

The apology: "I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African-Americans."
Translation: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Equally likely translation: "I said he had no Negro accent. That's a compliment!"

How long will all senators speak in the parlence of an antebellum slaveowner? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we must move on to Jay Leno, who may or may not be getting his old time slot back.

I have an idea. Why don't we take that guy who steals money from work and give him a corner office?

Now Conan O'Brien is threatening to move to Fox, which, as we all know, is the TV network equivalent of your daughter threatening to take a job pole-dancing.  It's that nightmare last resort that proves she's serious. 

Of course, none of this matters, because at the end of the day they're both up against a guy who sleeps with half his staff and is therefore interesting.

People say Leno no longer cares. But he does care. I know this for a fact. Because no one who didn't care would stay up all night writing this hilarious joke:  "NBC.  What does that stand for .... Never Believe your Contract?" 

Leno, you still got it!

the 13 least (and most) forgivable celebrities of 2009

Happy New Year, everyone!  Like all of you, 2010 is the year I'm going to accomplish everything.  Husband, kids, six pack, white picket fence, laser eye surgery, blonde highlights, walk-on on Entourage. Everything.  

But before I move on to 2010, I have to do some ritualistic soul cleansing.  And by soul cleansing I mean semi-coherent pop-culture rant. 

Disclaimer: this isn't the 8 o'clock show of unforgivable celebrity.  This isn't Jauquin Phoenix being weird or David Letterman being randy.  This is the did-they-just-say-that, did-i-just-hear-that, how-do-they-live-with-themselves? edition.  

Keesha

First of all, everyone knows that the name "Kesha" belongs to Keysia Cole and Keasha from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila ("K-E-A-S-H-A.  Okayyyyy?")  Second of all, "Tick Tock" is completely mortifying.  No one brushes their teeth with a bottle of Jack.

Ashton Kutcher

I don't care if you have a million Twitter followers.  Your not blocking sex spam does not make you impressive. 

Carrie Prejean

Actually, Perez Hilton does have a right to call you a "dumb bitch." Stop taking up my Barnes & Noble space with your lame ghostwritten autobiography. 
 





Jay Leno 
It's not your fault that NBC told you you could single-handedly expand late-night TV by two hours every night.  It is your fault that you believed them.  And that you aren't trying.

Whoopi Goldberg
True, no one who watches the View says to themselves, "I can't wait to hear Joy Behar's well-reasoned argument!"  or "Elizabeth Hesselbeck made a really good point the other day...." 
 
 But then there's Whoopi.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe in 2050, some descendent of Clarence Darrow will invoke the highly respected "rape-rape" argument to incarcerate Roman Polanski's cryogenically frozen body.  But for now, Whoopi Goldberg embarrasses me as a woman, as a human, and as a long-time fan of Sister Act II. 

Chris Brown/Charlie Sheen
Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen really got the country "talking" about all the "controversy."  Oh, wait -- there is no controversy, because they're both assholes.  Charlie Sheen says he's innocent.  That's kind of like someone getting shot in the face and Dick Cheney saying, "Who, me?" No controversy here.  They're bad on the order of Lipstick Jungle. 

But then there are the most forgivable celebrities of 2009

Donald Trump
Why do I like you, Donald Trump? Is it the hair? Is it the fact that, when asked by the NY Times last week, you said the single biggest problem facing New York City was dilapidated guardrails?  

Is it because you threw Khloe Kardashian off Celebrity Apprentice for no reason beyond the fact that you didn't like her?  

That must be it.  Bravo, Donald Trump.  Keep up the good work. 

Carla from Top Chef

Oh, Carla. If only you hadn't listened to that moronic season 2 finalist and followed your heart.  Then maybe you'd be Top Chef. Instead, it went to that boring bald guy.  Tension-filled moments include when Carla had to shuck her own oysters and when she screwed up the pear tarts.  But hey, as Carla herself would say, "brotha's gotta cook!" 

Gail Collins

It seems like she's being sweet. But she's twisting the knife. And making you laugh.  And making you think.  And she's always right.  Gail Collins is the reason I wake up in the morning. Which makes Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays that much harder.  Don't become as dependent on her as I am, but do read her column in the NY Times. It makes you a better person.  Start with this one. 

Lady Gaga

We've all heard the theories that she was assembled by a team of Asian marketers in 1986 and that she lies about absolutely everything.  But I love The Fame and choose to believe that she co-wrote it.  And nothing will convince me otherwise. Even proof of otherwise.   

Larry David

Larry David pretends to be cynical and undemonstrative, but the season 7 Curb finale, "Seinfeld," was a touching resolution of his break from Cheryl and one of the funniest Curb episodes to date.  Especially this.  May we all have the self-consciousness to mock ourselves so incisively. 

and....

Mariah Carey?????

Mariah Carey likes to look good.  When your lyrics are literally, "And all my ladies say...", you start becoming conspicuously narcissistic if your entire music video is you posing in a sexy outfit, alone.
Which is why we should be doubly impressed by her performance in Precious.  I don't think she's going to get an Oscar (that will go to Mo'nique), but she went way beyond the token gritty/indie/prosthetic nose cameo of a huge star.  It's time, people. It's time we stop punishing her for Glitter. 

I think I can move forward now. In the meantime, I leave you with the immortal words of Mariah Carey's 2009 hit: "You a 'Mom and Pop'/ I'm a corporation/ I'm the press conference/ You're a conversation/ Ha whoo-a whoa whoa whoa whoa....!"

best, worst and most unforgivably dumb films of 2009

Every December the Tastemakers tell me what I should have liked and I adjust my opinions accordingly.  That's what December is for: presents, and frantically catching up on all the films that make you seem like you're cultured when you're not.

Actually, I'm just doing this list because I'm a behind on my Most Unforgivable Celebrities of 2009 list.  How could you do that, Charlie Sheen? How could you do that to the Tastemakers?

So here are my 2009 film awards (for better or for worse)
First, I'd like to give a shout-out to adaptations. Specifically:
-The adaptation we all read (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
-The adaptation we pretend we read but actually didn't (The Lovely Bones)
-The adaptation we "read on the airplane" (Angels and Demons)

-The adaptation we will never, never admit to having read (He's Just Not That Into You)

Most terrifying reminder that the point of childhood is to obey your parents: Coraline

Most efficient procurement of a really, really complex skill via montage: Ellen Page roller-blading montage, Whip It

Film that was 50% worth your time: Julie & Julia, 'Julia' half

Most beyond offensive nepotism: Funny People
This is Judd Apatow in the editing room:

Editor:  So....there's a lot of extra footage of your daughters here.
Judd: We're keeping it. All of it.
Editor: But the movie is already three hours --
Judd: (menacingly) I said.....we are....keeping....it.

Most dumb-ass premise: Bride Wars
Maybe Kate Hudson will get married at the Plaza.  Maybe Anne Hathaway will.  Here's the real question: who the fuck cares?

Worst movie by I actually saw: He's Just Not That Into You (my full review here)

Worst movie I was broke enough to avoid although I was tempted: Have You Heard about the Morgans?  and Love Happens

And now for my favorite films of 2009

Disclaimer: Yes, there are some obvious "best films" missing from this list.  But in my defense, I didn't see them.  Except for Up.  Nothing personal. I just think it would have been a better movie without the annoying kid.

Funny People
Yes, Funny People had that signature I'm-Judd-Apatow-and-believe-that-relentless-dick-jokes-are-always-funny-and-women-don't-really-exist style. But I've always been a sucker for naval-gazing comedies about the entertainment industry. And however unintentionally, Funny People articulates exactly why I want to do what I want to do.  (Hint: it has to do with feminism.)

Food, Inc.
As it turns out, people who take an interest in where their food comes from aren't all elitist wet blanket snobs who don't tip.  Food, Inc. will both help you live longer and give you great cocktail party icebreakers such as, "My name is Eva!  Can you believe there are only 13 slaughterhouses in the entire country?"

We Live in Public
We Live in Public reminds us that we while we publish every opinion, post every picture, and tweet every Dead Celebrity condolence, we know less about each other than ever.  And that in saying everything, we're really saying nothing at all. 
  
The Hangover
Bravo, bromances!  You made a quirky, laugh-out-loud "guy" flick that didn't feed on dick jokes.  That's what she said.  Seeing this movie made me hate every single person who didn't put me in a headlock and make me see it while it was in the theaters. Zach Galifianakis is the ultimate creep.  I would totally join his "wolf pack."

And my two favorite films (which I will talk more about in a "later post"): 

Up in the Air
The story of a misanthrope who lives -- where else -- in Omaha (why do they always live in Omaha? Isn't that an Alexander Payne thing?) that teaches that sometimes, you have to not be an asshole. You don't have to take it to heart, but you do have to see it. 


An Education
Think Juno meets Grease meets 60s British schoolgirl.  But unlike Juno -- or Saved! or Glee or The Secret Life of the American Teenager -- An Education explores a 16-year-old female protagonist from a perspective other than "unplanned pregnancy."  An Education is written by Nick Hornby (High Fidelity and About a Boy) and stars Carey "deserves it more than Blonde Sandra Bullock" Mulligan. More on this follow....

But wait, there's more!
Here is what may or may not happen in 2010:
-Leonardo DiCaprio will attempt a Newsies-esque Brooklyn accent (Shutter Island)
-A black-and-white German film will knock your socks off! (The White Ribbon)
-and every single "old man" part will be played by the one and only Christopher Plummer.