Celebrity Apprentice episode three live blog: Celebs fight for charity and ID Theft ad campaigns!

I’m a big fan of Reality TV.  It's not that I’m shallow.  It's just that it gives me the high highs and low lows real life can't possibly provide.

Last night was the third episode of Celebrity Apprentice.  Or as I like to call it, “Helping corporations! For charity! Kind of!” 

Highlights from week 2:

-Blago greeting people on the street:

Blago: Hi. How are you?

Person #1: You’re a disgrace.

Blago: Nice to meet you!

Person #2: Enjoy prison, asshole.

-Maria putting Sharon Osborne in charge of handing out water and cupcakes when she was really sick and Sharon Osborne coughing all over the water and the cupcakes.

 -Maria and Holly eating popcicles. I didn't consider that a highlight per se, but the footage was extensive. 

Also, Cindy Lauper appears to have dementia.  

Onward!

Celebrity Apprentice, week 3:

0:01: This week began with a little “controversy,” when Brent confronted Michael Johnson about what happened in the boardroom.  Bret’s a little volitle, a quality you wouldn’t expect from someone who did three seasons of Rock of Love.

1:04: Also, this season the celebrities actually seem to care about their charities.  Not necessarily a good or bad thing. Just kind of there.

6:45: Unironic cut from Maria embracing a dying boy from Make a Wish Foundation to Donald Trump explaining this week's task: “We all know there are huge problems in the world, and one of those biggest problems is…identity theft!”

10:22: Camera cuts to Summer Saunders for the first time in the history of Celebrity Apprentice. I’m guessing she’s going to be group leader.

11:55: Summer is group leader!  

17:21: Sharon Osborne: “Cyndi Lauper is just fabulously insane.”

24:10: All hail Michael Johnson, king of the Angry Deadpan Look!

38:44: Huh. Didn’t know they made purple muscle sweaters that tight, Curtis.

45:09: Summer treats Cindi like she’s a child.  You know what, Summer? She may be crazy, but at least we’ve heard of her. 

59:33: Blago: “I believe I was a great governor.  Health care for all children under 6, seniors get free public transportation….but that’s not what’s happening here.”  I’m pretty sure this was in response to a question along the lines of, “What task did Michael just ask you to do?”

1:01:32: So there are a bunch of tense “eyes darting back and forth” close-ups among the women but I missed why.  Sorry.

1:06:44: Sharon Osborne: “F**k off, Misses, you're as ambitious as the rest of us.  Get off your high f**king horse and shut the f**k up, basically.  Did I really just say that?”  I know, Sharon. It’s hard to remember that far back. 

1:14:22: I would love to just have a show of Michael staring.

1:16:56: Michael earnestly ponders how on earth Blago was elected Governor:  “I mean …you don't just fall up there.”

1:19:08: 

Blago to camera: “There's a whole bunch of technology that's passed me by.  When you're Governor, you have 60,000 people working for you.” 

Michael to camera: “My nine year old can type.”

1:27:38: “I'm not a creepy guy. I'm not a creeper.” Yes, Bret, it’s always the non-creepy people who volunteer that.  

1:32:44: Summer throws Cindi under the bus!  Bad move, Summer!  Don't you know you're supposed to pretend to like your teammates until you lose and then turn on them suddenly at the last moment?

1:36:43: And you won, too. Stupid, stupid Summer.  I don't understand how someone named Summer can be so stupid. 

1:45:19: Summer donates her money to a charity that “brings sports to children of countries affected by war.”  I guess that means you’re still in the refugee camp, but you can play scooterball.

1:46:58: Cindi and Summer have it out.  That sounds way sexier than it actually is.

1:53:20:

Bret: As a graphic designer, here's my suggestion…

Trump: Are you a graphic designer?

Bret: (Very long pause) No.  No, I'm not.

1:56:26: Twist! Daryl Strawberry decides to quit!  Wow.  With people like that fighting so tirelessly on its behalf, it's a wonder autism still exists. If only it were as big a problem as identity theft.

Celebrity Apprentice slides further into Celebrity Village of the Damned

As many of you know, I was down in Los Angeles last week. Needless to say, I was way too busy going to awesome tastemaker Malibu parties to update my blog.

Fine. I was sleeping on a couch in Culver City. Though if you believe I went to "awesome tastemaker Malibu parties," you deserve to be lied to.

I learned a lot in Los Angeles. For example, skintight jeans that make you look really fat are not "all the rage." Why would that ruthless Melrose boutique saleslady tell me that? I don't know, either.

I also learned the real definition of "celebrity,” which is someone you don’t recognize loudly complaining about their stalkers in the Beverly Hills Peet's. (Alternate: someone who refers to Nancy Meyers as "Nancy," as in "I just loved working with Nancy! (pause) Nancy Meyers!")

But no matter, because we have insanely, insanely important things to talk about: the return of Life Meaning. I am of course talking about Celebrity Apprentice.

What is Celebrity Apprentice, you ask? Celebrity Apprentice is the greatest thing that ever happened to anybody. Anyone who watched last season can vouch for me, notable events including:

-Annie Duke slowly revealing her true pure evil devil-spawn colors a la All About Eve.
-Jesse James claiming he had no money. Yes, the Jesse James of "Jesse James and Sandra Bullock."
-And, of course, the infamous "Bitch Viper Pitbull" incident. You should really know about that one. That one is more important than health care. (My post on it here)

Can this season of Celebrity Apprentice deliver? Will one of these philanthropic E-listers top this all-time best Celebrity Apprentice moment?

Annie Duke: She compared me to Hitler!
Joan Rivers: You're different than Hitler. Hitler had PMS.

Based on the premiere, all signs point to possibly!

Now, I know that many of you think Celebrity Apprentice is playing it a bit “fast and loose” with the word “celebrity” and that it should be followed by the phrase “village of the damned.” But there are degrees, people. We all know it’s better to be a drug addict than the star of Houseguest.

Right off the bat, we saw many of the familiar Celebrity Apprentice archtypes, including:

The Washed-Out Comedian: Having Sinbad on Celebrity Apprentice is kind of like giving Tim Allen a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame: it cheapens it for everyone. Even Ricky Martin is like, are you fucking kidding me?

The Surprisingly Competent Bad Boy: Poison's Bret Michaels


The Hot Chick who is Singled out for Special Attention: Maria Kannellis


The Two Batshit Crazy People who, Ironically, Hate Each Other: Cyndi Lauper and Sharon Osborne.


Woman Ivanka Trump Inexplicably Hates Who is Then Thrown Off the Show: Carol Leifer.

The Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper Lady: That’s not actually a category. I just think it’s awesome that they got the woman who sang “Cooo-oo-oooo-oo-oooo-per!” And that they cleared her schedule!

And, of course,


Various Pro Athletes We Don’t Actually Recognize: I don’t know. I feel like one of them runs really fast …?

But Celebrity Apprentice is not about the “big names” or the “actual definition of a celebrity.” It’s about honoring charities in a tightly-controlled, artificial contest environment! Just the way God intended.

And so, let us move onto

Highlights from Episode 1: “You know what? I’m walking.”

That’s right. Donald Trump decided to walk instead of taking his usual limo. Where he was walking? It’s not entirely clear. But we do know it was spontaneous and that he’s helping the common man.

“I don’t play well with other children, but I can be the nastiest bitch in the world.” Sharon Osborne, minute one. Oh, I have high hopes for her!

Sharon Osborne before even meeting Cyndi Lauper: “She’s so out there – totally barking mad!”

Sharon Osborne when serving customers hamburgers: “I shall be leading with one tickity boom!" No, we don’t know what that means.

Sinbad practicing for the half-hour Comedy Central special no one scheduled

Is there anything that can’t be cured by a New York City montage?

The amused and then increasingly disturbed glances other contestants exchange after Blago says anything. Such as the following: “I didn't cook at all when I was governor. I was cookin' up results for people, alright?”

And now you're cracking jokes with Sinbad. If that doesn't get you to the Walk of Fame, nothing will.  Unless you're following Daryl Strawberry's car through the scenic City of Industry.

"I love you more than rainbows, baby."

So last night was the Oscars.Many of the biggest awards went to The Hurt Locker, aka the one movie you didn't actually see.  Damn you, Cop Out! You took away my dream of not being mortifyingly uncultured. 

By far, the best thing about the 2010 Oscars was that no celebrity pretended to care about anything besides J Lo's creepy mattress dress.  Sorry, Haiti -- but did you really expect to compete with a creepy mattress dress?

My theory is that she was wearing it in support of troubled adolescent boys. 

This year, Oscars opened with a musical number from Neil Patrick "I will achieve world domination via ceremony hosting" Harris.  Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin playfully ribbed each other, which was funny.  Then they playfully ribbed George Clooney, which was funny until George Clooney started looking like a serial killer.

I was happy for Katherine Bigelow.  The best part of her winning was definitely the pre-commercial teaser: "Will the Oscar for Best Director go to the first woman in history, the first African-American in history, or .... Jason Reitman?"

Don't feel bad, Avatar.  Sure, The Hurt Locker won all the major awards, but Ben Stiller put on nine hours of Avatar makeup for no reason!  If only they gave out awards for Most Time Spent in Service to the Possibility of Getting a Confused Chuckle. 

Then there was the woman of the night. That special speech we practice for our whole lives.  That's right: the Oprah praise speech.  Be honest: if it really came down to it, would really choose an Oscar over having Oprah publically confirm that she thinks you're neat? 

No, you're right. Definitely Peter Saarsgard.