I’m a big fan of Reality TV. It's not that I’m shallow. It's just that it gives me the high highs and low lows real life can't possibly provide.
Last night was the third episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Or as I like to call it, “Helping corporations! For charity! Kind of!”
Highlights from week 2:
-Blago greeting people on the street:
Blago: Hi. How are you?
Person #1: You’re a disgrace.
Blago: Nice to meet you!
Person #2: Enjoy prison, asshole.
-Maria putting Sharon Osborne in charge of handing out water and cupcakes when she was really sick and Sharon Osborne coughing all over the water and the cupcakes.
-Maria and Holly eating popcicles. I didn't consider that a highlight per se, but the footage was extensive.
Also, Cindy Lauper appears to have dementia.
Celebrity Apprentice, week 3:
0:01: This week began with a little “controversy,” when Brent confronted Michael Johnson about what happened in the boardroom. Bret’s a little volitle, a quality you wouldn’t expect from someone who did three seasons of Rock of Love.
1:04: Also, this season the celebrities actually seem to care about their charities. Not necessarily a good or bad thing. Just kind of there.
6:45: Unironic cut from Maria embracing a dying boy from Make a Wish Foundation to Donald Trump explaining this week's task: “We all know there are huge problems in the world, and one of those biggest problems is…identity theft!”
10:22: Camera cuts to Summer Saunders for the first time in the history of Celebrity Apprentice. I’m guessing she’s going to be group leader.
11:55: Summer is group leader!
17:21: Sharon Osborne: “Cyndi Lauper is just fabulously insane.”
24:10: All hail Michael Johnson, king of the Angry Deadpan Look!
38:44: Huh. Didn’t know they made purple muscle sweaters that tight, Curtis.
45:09: Summer treats Cindi like she’s a child. You know what, Summer? She may be crazy, but at least we’ve heard of her.
59:33: Blago: “I believe I was a great governor. Health care for all children under 6, seniors get free public transportation….but that’s not what’s happening here.” I’m pretty sure this was in response to a question along the lines of, “What task did Michael just ask you to do?”
1:01:32: So there are a bunch of tense “eyes darting back and forth” close-ups among the women but I missed why. Sorry.
1:06:44: Sharon Osborne: “F**k off, Misses, you're as ambitious as the rest of us. Get off your high f**king horse and shut the f**k up, basically. Did I really just say that?” I know, Sharon. It’s hard to remember that far back.
1:14:22: I would love to just have a show of Michael staring.
1:16:56: Michael earnestly ponders how on earth Blago was elected Governor: “I mean …you don't just fall up there.”
Blago to camera: “There's a whole bunch of technology that's passed me by. When you're Governor, you have 60,000 people working for you.”
Michael to camera: “My nine year old can type.”
1:27:38: “I'm not a creepy guy. I'm not a creeper.” Yes, Bret, it’s always the non-creepy people who volunteer that.
1:32:44: Summer throws Cindi under the bus! Bad move, Summer! Don't you know you're supposed to pretend to like your teammates until you lose and then turn on them suddenly at the last moment?
1:36:43: And you won, too. Stupid, stupid Summer. I don't understand how someone named Summer can be so stupid.
1:45:19: Summer donates her money to a charity that “brings sports to children of countries affected by war.” I guess that means you’re still in the refugee camp, but you can play scooterball.
1:46:58: Cindi and Summer have it out. That sounds way sexier than it actually is.
Bret: As a graphic designer, here's my suggestion…
Trump: Are you a graphic designer?
Bret: (Very long pause) No. No, I'm not.
1:56:26: Twist! Daryl Strawberry decides to quit! Wow. With people like that fighting so tirelessly on its behalf, it's a wonder autism still exists. If only it were as big a problem as identity theft.