Last Crazy Psycho Gubernatorial Candidate Standing

As you all know, I have always been fascinated by Reality TV's ability to assemble the most batshit crazy people on the planet.

Many of these shows feature a disgraced politician trying to rebuild the country’s trust in him – usually via ballroom dancing or helping Sinbad and Bret Michaels sell cupcakes on the corner of 50^th & Madison. If that doesn’t prove Blago is fit to lead, nothing will. 

But not all politicians are disgraced – or even on the country’s radar enough to be disgraced.  What to do then? Well, there’s always running for Governor of New York.

The Governorship of New York has had a rather “colorful” past few years (sorry, Patterson).  Elliot Spitzer’s hobby of using government money to fund lavish trysts with prostitutes cost him his job – and probably a few friendships, as he also had a hobby of using the names of his close friends, like that of his pal and longtime donor George Fox.  George Fox reported being “disappointed and distressed” when he found out – probably because his name was having way more fun than he was and, really, Elliot Spitzer is an asshole. 

Then there was Patterson, who distinguished himself by immediately disclosing that he had cheated on his wife “many, many times.”  Yes, we were in good hands. 

So the seven Crazies who lined up on the stage at Hofstra University on Monday night really had their work cut out for them. 

The debate began with “Doug Geed” welcoming us and inviting viewers to record their reactions on Long Island’s Facebook page.  It was all downhill from there.  

Like all other open debates, there were The Two People Who Had a Shot in Hell and Everyone Else.  Conveniently, the Two People who had a Shot in Hell were dressed identically down to their red ties and navy suits,  hammering home their campaigns’ best argument of It Could Be Worse.

'Doug Geed' started things off with Palladino a.k.a. I Commit Political Suicide All Day, Every Day.  They say they drew straws, but I think Doug chose Palladino because Doug, too, was wearing a bright red tie.

Palladino -- who noted that California’s Medicaid is “100% lower than us” (can you think of a few things wrong with that statement?), said we needed to cut the program immediately.  Unfortunately, he frequently switched between the words “Medicare” and “Medicaide,” so if his goal was to scare as many old people and poor people as possible, he succeeded.

The questions were themselves a circus.  One appeared to be a video montage of Sensible Black Women shaking their heads and tsking.  Not that it mattered, because, as we later discovered, not one candidate ever actually answered the question they were asked. 

One of the night's many standouts was a very agitated Jimmy McCillon of the Rent is Too Damn High Party.  Whenever his statements -- which, like every other candidate, never answered the question asked and went way over time – were cut off by the moderator, you would hear a faint muttered "the rent is too damn high!" But perhaps it was only an echo.  

By far, the best thing about Jimmy McCillon was his stylin' black ski gloves he insisted on keeping on. 

I lied. The best thing about Jimmy McMillan is his website which features him rapping the rent is too damn high!  And whose list of campaign categories include one called, "Damn is the word of god," which -- on closer inspection -- appears to be a bible verse and a very long etymology of the word "damn."

One of my other favorites was the very dry Warren Redlich from the libertarian party.  Warren -- whose quiet monotone implied either shyness or barely suppressed unibomber rage -- liked to tell long stories about his friend Frank.  Frank is writing a book called You Gotta Be Kidding Me.  Warren then told another story whose rather anti-climactic point was that the Head of the New York Library System is overpaid.  It wasn’t entirely clear why he told this little anecdote, but it did end with Frank saying, “You gotta be kidding me!”

Next was Kristin Smith, aka Manhattan Madame, aka The Escort Empress, aka That Lady Who Slept with Elliot Spitzer and Now Wants His Job, representing for Anti-Prohibition -- which, like her joke timing, seems just a little late.  Though we all had a laugh when she said she'd lower taxes faster than a Palladino running out of a gay bar. 

There were two other candidates who were a little more normal – “Freedom’s” Charles Barrow and a Green Party Candidate whose name of “Howie” and folksy twang made him an intriguing, strange anomaly. 

But really, it was just Cuomo looking as thrilled and mortified as anyone who has a bunch of psycho crazies for his “peer group” and will win because of it.

So I guess we learned that -- even in 2010 -- if you're crazy and pretend to want to be Governor, you can still get time on National TV.  

As Frank would say, “You Gotta Be Kidding Me!”

"30 Rock" Live! featuring the amazing "Flashback Liz"

Happy Pink Ribbon Month, y’all! aka the month Yoplait so obsessively gets in my face about breast cancer that I’m starting to believe they cause it. 

I like to use my blog as a positive space – a ‘no spin zone,’ if you will – for TV comedy.  Why?  Because I’m not stupid enough to alienate potential future bosses.  Here’s to hoping Taylor Momson never becomes a showrunner. 

 

But also, I just really like sitcoms.  I like highbrow drawing-room farces like Frasier, the complexity and perverse wordplay of Arrested Development, and the post-modern amorals of Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Needless to say, I am a big fan of 30 Rock.  Mostly because of lines like these:

Liz: You’re a beautiful woman, but you can’t play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.

Jenna: But those were my two majors at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks!

So when 30 Rock announced that they were doing a live episode, I was excited to see what they would do with it.  Could 30 Rock – the ultimate Twitter comedy whose pop-culture one-liners come at the speed of crack – re-tool to the rhythms of Two and a Half Men?  Were they going to be hip and ultra meta?  Or plunge whole hog into the cheed-out, pause-for-laughter world of live laughter?  

As it turns out, it was a little of both.

The live episode began with Liz and Jack sitting in the "three-camera" version of Jack's office, where Jack observed that the decor looked like it's from a "Mexican Soap Opera" and that he could see every line and pore on Liz's face.  

To my surprise, Liz started to set up for a cutaway: "Remember when I gave up refined sugars?"  

This is when I knew the live version of 30 Rock was going to be as ambitious and self-referential as ever. Because -- instead of pre-recorded footage -- they cut to amazing “Flashback Liz!"  a.k.a. Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  Which prompted the very cute:

Jack: How come you're better looking in your memory?

Liz: Because my memory has Seinfeld money.

The episode was a classic sitcom storyline with a 30 Rock spin.  It was Liz Lemon’s 40^th birthday and nobody remembered it. Meanwhile, Jack was trying to give up drinking by taking up the art of magic, and Tracy, having just watched the "non-porn" version of Carol Burnett for the first time, decided it would be funny to break character during every one of his skits.  Which made Jenna so angry that she threatened to "slip a nip."  You know, the usual.

Despite inhabiting the world of the 3-camera sitcom -- which involves everyone being within a five-foot radius of everyone else for no particular reason -- cast members, probably by sheer force of habit --often ended up standing perfectly still and shouting in each other's faces.  At this point, Alec Baldwin would do a magic trick like pulling a ten-foot streamer out of Tina Fey's mouth.

Needless to say, it was awesome. But -- as usual -- several handfuls of annoying bloggers totally, totally missed the point.

TVOverMind observed, “I mean, imagine if It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Arrested Development had audience laughter.  Pass!” 

And Slate called it a stunt which “offered little to gratify … its production was competent. Its humor was merely competent. Cleverness about liveness was no substitute for the show's usual liveliness.”

What is this, Gosford Park? 

30 Rock’s live episode should be judged for what it was – a joyful and dorky celebration of sitcoms past and present.  And how can you judge a joyful and dorky celebration? I would never judge your birthday.  

Thursday’s live 30 Rock was a reminder that no matter how cynical TV gets – no matter how special-effectsy, cutaway, meta-pop-culture reference-y – it will always respect its roots.   

And honestly, if you fancy yourself to be Dorothy Parker, then don’t watch a show where Jon Hamm does a cameo as a dim-witted, one-armed man whose transplanted fingers have a “thing” for him.  

The Social Network: the man who mistook his movie for an episode of gossip girl

 I'm going to jump right in with The Facebook Movie a.k.a the four-way mirror from Hell.  It gives me a headache to think about it, sort of like when I wonder how it would feel to Like your own Like.

To disclaim, I really enjoyed the film and have much more posting to do, you lucky dogs!  But I flipped a coin and decided to start with the bad.

Fine, there was no coin. I'm just an asshole.

No doubt, The Social Network is the hottest piece of Facebook-related Facebook movie ever to grace the pages of Facebook. Debates are being raging about everything from how accurate The Social Network was to whether or not that even matters, to whether poor Jesse Eisenberg is, in fact, the "smug asshole version of Michael Cera."  (Actually, that last one appears to be the two sides' only common ground).  

Fact? Fiction? VHI biopic?  No matter.  Because whether The Social Network was meant as a fly on the walls of history or a delicious allegory of the sins of youth,  I got kind of screwed on both.

The Social Network is sort of like a Katy Perry song in that it's so obliviously misogynistic that it makes you want to cry.

I am amazed that a movie which spends so much time "calling out" Mark Zuckerberg on his objectifying of women spends so much time glorying in it.

At the outset, we as audience members are thrown our bone in the form of a "very smart girl." Smart Girl sees through Mark Zuckerberg and makes him angry toward women.

From there, The Social Network writes itself into a conveniently trailer-friendly corner.  Mark Zuckerberg is a twisted, sex-starved troll who wants to be cool.  As much as it pains us, this crucial center of conflict can only be shown via Incredibly Dated Hot Co-ed Montage.

As a result, despite being nothing like the actual Ivy League (Sorry, Facebook movie. I did way, way too much research on schools I was eventually too afraid to apply to for fear of rejection to accept your version of Harvard), The Social Network is forced to populate its movie with sexy, silly groupies who drop their pants at the first hint of "power." 

In their defense, it really can't be helped.  Yes, in real life Mark Zuckerberg has had the same girlfriend since Sophomore year of college, an Asian-American woman who's in medical school and wants to be a teacher.  But don't you think a Victoria's Secret model throwing him a coy look advances the story more?  

Of course, Zuckerberg is no Leslie Gore's "You Don't Own Me."  He did invent Facemash, a website rating Harvard women in order of their hotness. 

For that, The Social Network really takes him to task -- because that's when we meet the really angry ugly girls! They're angry! And ugly! And furious at Mark Zuckerberg for exposing this!

Honestly, ladies -- if you don't want to be ridiculed on Facemash, don't be the only girl in the movie who looks like an actual college student.

Sometimes, when Smart Girl is in danger of becoming a memory, she re-appears for four seconds in time for Mark to make a Character Decision (based on Anger Over Rejection) -- and then spring into action as crisp and clean as a page of Sports Night dialogue.  

Most of the time, though, the The Social Network's take on youth culture is like watching a stodgy, condescending version of Gossip Girl.  Which I'd actually prefer, because on Gossip Girl there are at least two women who are sassy and complicated, as opposed to gullible and admiring. (Neither of these women are Taylor Momson).

I guess Zuckerberg's real-life girlfriend fell victim to that old Hollywood axiom: "Why have one Asian woman when you can have many?"

Really, The Social Network empowers women in the way that Carrie Bradshaw's puns do. Mark Zuckerberg may have had groupies, but he never made me sit through a lacy co-ed bra montage.

I'm not saying The Social Network isn't a good film.  But if it is, it's definitely the "smug, asshole version."