I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth.

 Okay. Can we talk about how Willow Smith is a prophet?

Here's why:
1. She's nine years old.
2.  She doesn't let "haters" get her off "her grind."
3.  She whips her hair.

I was thinking about Willow Smith because I'm starting to compile my Annual List of People I May have Trashed when I Knew Literally Nothing about Them.

To clarify, this has nothing to do with most people about whom I make immediate, cruel snap judgments.  Because frankly, I'm always right. And if I'm wrong I simply don't have time to hear about it.  That's their loss. And reputation. 

But more about Willow Smith.

1.  Willow Smith is named Willow Smith so people know she's related to her father, Will Smith.
2.  Speaking of Will Smith: Will is actually short for "Willard."
3. Also, he actually is "West Philadelphia born and raised."
4.  I'm on Wikipedia because I don't actually know anything about Willow Smith. 

But I think we can surmise things about her beyond her mortifying older brother.  That's an example of me trashing someone I don't know.  What's his name? Eh, who cares.

My main point is: Willow Smith whips her hair around.  But not like some poser.  She whips it back and forth.

This is crucially important, people.  She is making a point.  Because nine-year-olds can make points.  Like "Hi," and "I'm hungry," and "I'm in fourth grade."  And other things that qualify her to be a youth ambassador to Project Zambia along with her older brother.  See? I do know something about him. 

Yes, a nine-year-old is launching her career before you even though you're 25 and had nothing to do with the movie "Wild Wild West."   And your dad didn't star in "Hitch" as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens.  But let's not hold it against her because honestly, the song is kind of cool and the music video makes her a little "L'il" Mama.  And features one of those awesome dance circles where a baby is trapped between 20 people frantically whipping their hair and no one calls child services.

And a teacher has, like, a seizure.  What is up with that?  Is that because of the hair whipping?

So in sum, if I were to say one thing -- and also were President of the United States -- I would say this:
"Hop up out the bed turn my swag on/
Pay no attention to them haters/
Because we whip em off/
And we ain’t doin nothin wrong."

Okay. I'm going to go whip my hair.  You do the same.

Tuesday's HUGE election night!

 

Tuesday night was a big night!

Huge!

With ramifications on the highest of orders!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid won!  Which is a huge, huge win!....

….But it’s a towering, ginormous, big-scary-dinosaur-sized loss, too!

As you can probably tell, I did a little channel surfing Election night.  

Mostly between CNN, MSNBC and the Fox Network.  Where I learned that every giant rejection!  was also -- depending on how you looked at it -- a frothing at the mouth endorsement!

Also, Randy Quaid and his wife are Hollywood refugees!

(Sorry, Joy Behar was interviewing them.  Was there something more important going on?)

By far, the award for Most Helpful Political Analysis goes to Wolf Blitzer, who -- as usual -- used Election Night to debut a shiny new toy designed specially by modern science to be shiny and toy-like.  We will never forget the holograms of 2008, which was groundbreaking in that it allowed CNN correspondents to pretend they were on Star Trek.  

This year, it was "What If?" - a feature which allowed Blitzer to demonstrate exactly what the red/blue breakdown of the country would look like if -- for some reason -- people had decided to vote differently than they did. Which they did not.  

Blitzer was also particularly adept at -- before making a projection -- pausing for the special Projection Music. 

For many reasons, CNN was where it was at. Not just because of their "Decision Desk" featured people with names like Joe Johns and Erik Erikson.  I'm definitely buying what they're selling. But also because they had a secret weapon: Elliot Spitzer smiling like a jackass.  

There was much talk of the marijuana initiative on the ballots in California.  Like many people, I was extremely disappointed that no one picked up on the potentially hilarious wordplay of “high user turnout.”

I'm not sure why I like CNN.  Maybe it's Blitzer's tendency to refer to all the new Representatives as "attractive young men." Maybe it's the terrifying reminder of over-population that only 45 publicity starved pundits shoved around one giant desk and interrupting one another can truly provide. 
Maybe it's that the whole thing was un-ironically sponsored by our good friends at Exxon-Mobile. 

Whatever the case, I know this. Something happened Tuesday night.  I don't know exactly what it was.  But it was really fucking big.  


Ps -- lots more to say on the Election, but I'm saving it for my next post, a reflection on what it was like to be on the National Mall for Inauguration tentatively entitled, "I saved my pee for this?"